Topic: just for a laugh...continued!
just for a laugh...continued!
posted Mon, 24 Feb 2003 03:54PM
mary1959
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon".
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Madam. I've come
to..."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of
babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat."
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too, you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and
me."
"Well, Madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm
sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that I'm sure."
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my goodness!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to
get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when
the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, um,
equipment ?"
"That's right. Well Madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so
that we can get to work."
"Tripod??"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big
for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?... Good Lord, she's fainted!"
hot from vegas...my joke supplier
posted Mon, 24 Feb 2003 04:07PM
mary1959
I passed by the nursing home and there were six old ladies lying naked on the front grass. I thought this was a little peculiar, but continued on my way because it's a long walk and I wanted to get it over with before it got hot.
On my way back, the ladies were still lying on the lawn and to quench my curiosity, I went inside & asked to speak to the director of the facility. When I asked him if he knew there were 6 naked old ladies lying on his front lawn, he replied, "Yes, I know. They're retired prostitutes and they're having a yard sale."
from Bob via mary x
(No Subject)
posted Tue, 25 Feb 2003 12:36PM
brendam
Garden of Eden - The Truth
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man', Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
bit long winded..
posted Tue, 25 Feb 2003 06:34PM
lis
Fred & Lilly got met & got married in a retirement home, he was 87 & she was 86. On their honeymoon night they both decided their biggest regret was not having had children, so decided to go to the drs, & see what the wonders of medicaL science could do.
The Dr examined them & declared them both to be very fit for their age,& said 'with the wonders of modern medicine I should be able to help you, but first Fred,I need a sample of sperm, so take this Jar home, make your deposit, & bring it back in on monday'
On Monday morning they both appeared at the surgery looking totally knackered,
'so what happened fred, there doesn't appear to be anything in the jar' said the doc....
'well on Friday I tried with my left hand....I tried with my right hand, & then I got a few blisters, so I gave up till after tea...
Then Lilly had a go,...she tried with her left hand..tried with her right hand....& we gave up till after supper....
Then She tried with her teeth in...then she tried with her teeth out..no good.. so eventually seeing as she'd got her teeth out anyway we decided to sleep on it.
In the morning we both tried again..But it was no use...so we thought maybe a younger woman might do the trick.. so we went down the corridor to Dorris.. she's only 78, Well she tried with her left hand, tried with her right hand,she tried sitting down... then had another go standing up, but it was no use, so we gave up for the day. Yesterday we decided to really crack it, so we were up early & tried again, but gave up around 10 for breakfast...eventually I thought maybe a man could do the trick, so we asked young bill in, & he's only 74...but it was no good doctor...there was no way we could get the lid off that jar.
THE THREE BEARS
posted Thu, 27 Feb 2003 06:32PM
lindahunt
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty "who's been eating my porridge?!!", he squeaks. Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "who's been eating my porridge?!!" he roars.
Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots?.
It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee. It was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Momma Bear who set the damn table. It was Momma Bear who put the bloody cat out, cleaned the litter tray and filled the cat's water and food dish, and , now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bears kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time.......
"I HAVEN'T MADE THE BLOODY PORRIDGE YET!!
Please excuse the rough language
posted Tue, 04 Mar 2003 08:38PM
MaryJoe
A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well said her mother," so how was the honeymoon?" "Oh mama, she replied," the honeymoon was wonderful, so romantic......Suddenly she burst out crying, "But mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language".........things I'd never heard before, I mean, all these awful four letter words. You have got to come get me and take me home mama. "PLEASE MAMA" "Sarah, her mother said," calm down. You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now tell me, what could be so awful???? What four letter words????? "Please mama don't make me tell you. wept the daughter, "I'm embarressed, they're just too awful. COME GET ME PLEASE "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset." Tell your mother these horrible four letter words. Sobbing the bride said, "Oh mama he used words like dust, wash, iron, cook." "I'll pick you up in twenty minutes." said the mother.
Just for a laugh
posted Wed, 05 Mar 2003 12:12AM
MaryJoe
A Mother and Father took their six year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had bigger boobs than his Mother's and asked her why. She told her son, " The bigger they are the dumber the person is." The boy pleased with the answer goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his Mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his Dad. His Mother replied, "the bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with the answer the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again to his Mother and promptly told her "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks the dumber he gets."
Little Darling
posted Wed, 05 Mar 2003 12:16AM
MaryJoe
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her Father. While her Dad gets his hair cut, she stands right next to the barber chair eating a Hostess Snack Cake. The barber says to her, You know sweetheart, you are gonna get hair on you Twinkie." "I know, she replies, I'm gonna get tits too."
how does this work?
posted Thu, 06 Mar 2003 07:44AM
mary1959
http://mr-31238.mr.valuehost.co.uk/assets/Flash/psychic.swf
I'm trying to figure it out but can't!
Mary x
Just for a Laugh
posted Tue, 01 Apr 2003 03:09PM
MaryJoe
This is for all of you who either:
a)have kids or one on the way
b)had kids who have now grown
c)was a kid
d)know a kid
As I was packing for my business trip my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time laying on the bed. At one point, she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat you fingers." Pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again. When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devasteated look on her face. I said "Whats wrong, honey?" She replied, "What happened to my booger."
He Said - She Said
posted Fri, 04 Apr 2003 03:39AM
MaryJoe
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says, " I'll miss you.
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mow the lawn like this?" Oh probably that I married you for your money, she replied.
He said - since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly. She said - Well, you succeeded.
He said "Shall we try swapping positions tonight?" She said - Thats a good idea.....you stand by the ironing board while I set on the sofa and fart.
He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said - - turn sideways and look in the mirror.
Question: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man????
Answer: A rumor
Keeping Busy In Prison
posted Mon, 07 Apr 2003 04:03PM
MaryJoe
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So what did you bring?"
The second convict pulled out a box of paint and stated that he intended to pain anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail." The he asked the first convict, "What did you bring?"
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards so I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked. "Why are you so smug?" What did you bring?
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled, He said, I brought these.
The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horse back riding, swimming, and roller skating.
southern belle
posted Tue, 08 Apr 2003 07:37AM
mary1959
Two delicate flowers of Southern womanhood, one from Georgia, the other from Alabama, were conversing on the porch swing of a large white pillared mansion.
The Georgia peach said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me."
The lady from Alabama commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"
The first woman continued "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac you see parked in the drive."
Again, the belle from Alabama commented, "Well, isn't that nice??"
The first woman boasted, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the second lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Bama belle.
"Charm school!" the first woman cried, "Land sakes, child, what on Earth for?"
The Alabamian responded, "So that I could learn to say, 'Isn't that nice,' instead of 'Who gives a shit.'
Office Xmas Party
posted Tue, 08 Apr 2003 03:48PM
Klytemnestra
Completely the wrong time of year but what the hell, the jokes on this site made me laugh so much I had to donate something.
December 1st
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm happy to inform you that the company
Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols ... feel free to sing
along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director
------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same
policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung.
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director
----------------------------------------------------------------------
December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.
Patty Lewis
Human Researchers Director
--------------------------------------------------------------------
December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women
closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their own table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table.
Happy now?
Patty Lewis
Human Racehorses Director
--------------------------------------------------------------------
December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
People, people - nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram
of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."
Patty Lewis
Human Ratraces
----------------------------------------------------------------------
December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Vegetarians-I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes.
But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now... Ha!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?
The Bitch from Hell
-------------------------------------------------------------------
December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll
continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director
Jokes for musicians
posted Tue, 08 Apr 2003 03:55PM
Klytemnestra
From the ACDA Southern Div. Newsletter...
Howard Meharg, Editor
(This material reportedly appeared in the program notes at a recital in
Carnegie Hall)
Page Turner Gets a Mention in Program Notes, At Last
Tonight's page turner, Ruth Spelke, studied under Ivan Schemetnacoff at
the Boris Nitski School of Page Turning in Philadelphia. She has been
turning pages for many years for several of the worldıs leading
pianists, both here and in Europe.
In 1983, Ms. Spelke won the Wilson Page Turning Scholarship, which sent
her to Israel to study page turning from left to right. She was winner
of the 1984 Rimsky Korsakov 'Flight of the Bumblebee' Prestissimo medal,
turning 47 pages in an unprecedented 32 seconds. She was also 1988
Silver Medalist at the Kurtz Musical Page Pickup Competition in where
contestants are required to retrieve and rearrange a musical score
dropped from a Yamaha piano. Ms. Spelke received an excellent rating in
'grace, swiftness, and especially poise.'
Constantly experimenting with special techniques, Ms. Spelke performs
both the finger-licking and the bent-page corner methods. She works
from the standard left-bench position and is the originator of the
dipped-elbow page snatch, a style now much used to avoid obscuring the
performer's view of the music. Currently, she is Page Turner in
Residence at the Fairfield Page Turning Institute in Stamford, CT, where
she occupies the coveted Fritz Reiner Chair.
Ms. Spelke is married and the mother of two children, both planning
careers in page turning. She and her family live in a nice house on a
small lake in Keokuik, Iowa.
-------------------------------
The only joke about baritones - who needs another?
They hold a competition to find the dog that most resembles its owner (any
claimants out of addressees?). First of the major contenders to arrive is
the baker's dog. He arrives with flour, water, yeast, etc., kneads and pats suitably and after a while produces something distinctly bready. He puts it on a baking tray in the oven and 45 minutes later on I've no idea what heat produces a beautiful loaf of bread. The judges are astounded and feel they might as well make the presentation now (say nothing of exploitation, it spoils a joke).
But in comes the brewer's dog with a video, showing him making beer unassisted, hops, malt, etc. and so forth. I'm even less well versed in
that. He produces a pint, makes a few final touches and presents it to the
judges; they taste it. Bit bitter, cool, nutty overtones - you'd have to go a long way to surpass this pint. This seems even better - a real artist
here. The judges are certain nothing can surpass this prodigy.
Suddenly in bursts a slightly portly, rambunctious mutt. It's the baritone's dog (let's name no names. All right, not many). He trots up, wolfs down the rest of the bread, gulps down the rest of the beer, shags both of the dogs we've already met, slumps out and asks, "Am I getting paid for this?"
You hear some fine gags at auditions.
A Piece of Advice
posted Tue, 08 Apr 2003 10:10PM
MaryJoe
Never play leap frog with a unicorn
How to Prepare Chicken
posted Tue, 08 Apr 2003 10:15PM
MaryJoe
A waiter asks a man, "May I take your order, sir?"
"Yes,"the man replies, "I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?"
"Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."
Alligator Shoes
posted Tue, 08 Apr 2003 10:23PM
MaryJoe
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price."
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one......" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled in on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either...........
English - a rich and varied language
posted Wed, 09 Apr 2003 09:41AM
Bevvy
Miscellaneous
Great signs of our time! Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOTTO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR. At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
Doctors office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES. Hotel,
Acapulco: THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.
Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan: COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL
YOURSELF. Car rental brochure, Tokyo: WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT,TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR. Sign in men's rest room in
Japan:TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT In a Nairobi restaurant: CUSTOMERS
WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER. On the grounds of a
private school: NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION. On an Athi River highway:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE. On aposter at Kencom: ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN
HELP.
In a London restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO. One of
the Mathare buildings: MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE. A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer: DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS. In a Pumwani
maternity ward: NO BABIES ALLOWED. In a cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES. Sign in Japanese
public bath: FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL COCK IN TUB. Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: OUR
WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR. In a Tokyo bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS. In a Bangkok temple: IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN
EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN. Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand:
PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM. Hotel brochure, Italy:
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL
OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE. Hotel lobby, Bucharest: THE
LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE
UNBEARABLE. Hotel elevator, Paris: PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK. Hotel, Yugoslavia: THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS
THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID. Hotel, Japan: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS
RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY
EXCEPT THURSDAY. Hotel catering to skiers, Austria: NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION. (~what?~)
Taken from a menu, Poland: SALAD OUR FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION. Supermarket, Hong Kong:
FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE. From
the"Soviet Weekly": THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS. In an East African newspaper: A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY
TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.
Hotel, Vienna: IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER. A
sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND
WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE. Hotel, Zurich: BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE
LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE. An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: TEETH
EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS. A laundry in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME. Tourist agency,
Czechoslovakia: TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES. Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: WOULD YOU LIKE
TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS? The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE. In a Swiss mountain inn: SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM. Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: WE
TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.
Don't eat the yellow snow
posted Wed, 09 Apr 2003 11:32PM
MaryJoe
Once there were two farmers. One had a daughter and the other had a son. When their kids were teenagers they started dating, and the two farmers encouraged it.
One day the girl's father went over to the other farmer's house and said that he didn't want their children dating anymore.
The boy's father asked, "Why Not?"
The other farmer said, "Come here and I'll show you, in his yard was the girl's name written in pee in the snow.
The boy's father said, "Oh come on, that's just boy stuff."
The girl's father said, "You think I don't know my own daughter's handwriting.
Just for a laugh
posted Wed, 09 Apr 2003 11:42PM
MaryJoe
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons.
I do physical labor
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I work in a dark work place that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases
Dear Penis,
After assessing you request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work eight straight hours
You fall alsleep on the job after a brief work period
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do no stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You do not take initative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the work place rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing protective clothing.
You'll retire well before reaching 65
You are unable to work double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work, and if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the work place carrying two suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely, The Management
Here's a puzzle for you.
posted Thu, 10 Apr 2003 04:03PM
brendam
3 guys go for dinner, each buys a $10 steak. At the end of the meal, they collect $30 between the three of them to cover the cost of the meals and gives it to the waitress. She goes back to the cash register, where the overlooking manager says "Those dinners are discounted, you need to give them $5 back." So the waitress gets the five dollars, and returns to the table. Not knowing how to split $5 between the three of them, she gives 1 dollar to each of the three patrons, and kept two for herself.
Now if you do the math, together they paid $30, got $3 back meaning they only paid $27. The waitress kept $2. This totals $29. Where did the last dollar go?
20 Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity
posted Mon, 14 Apr 2003 01:27AM
MaryJoe
l. At lunch time, set it your parked card with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if the slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom, don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in".
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "For sexual favors."
7. Finish all you sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation.
9. As often as possibe, skip rather than walk.
l0. Ask people what sex they are, laugh hysterically after their answer.
ll. Specify that your drive - through order is "To Go."
l2. Sing along at the opera.
l3. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
l4. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
l5. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because your not in the mood.
l6. Have you co-workers address you by your wrestling name, rock hard.
l7. When the money comes out of the ATM machine scream, "I won, I won."
l8. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for you lives, they're loose.
l9. Tell your children over dinner, "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.
20. Send this to someone to make them smile......its called therapy......
continued
posted Mon, 14 Apr 2003 03:46PM
Bevvy
One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large
raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea
of how to do so.
The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength
to cross this river." God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was
able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times.
Seeing this,the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give
me the strength ..and the tools to cross this river." God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he
also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the
tools...and the intelligence... to cross this river." And God turned
him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of
hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.
Flat Tummy
posted Mon, 14 Apr 2003 10:38PM
MaryJoe
A little boy walks into his parents room to see his Mom on top of his Dad, bouncing up and down.
The Mom sees her son and quickly dismounts. She dressess and goes to find her son.
The son says what were you and Dad doing?
The Mother replies "Well you know your Dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"Your'e wasting your time," said the son, "Why is that?" asked the Mother.
Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and get on her knees and blows it right back up.
Did you Wonder?????
posted Mon, 14 Apr 2003 10:53PM
MaryJoe
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out."
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there.....I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not int the freezer?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, whey is there a song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, whey can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs....
What do you call male ballerinas?
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegatable oil i made from vegatables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated my a mouse?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
Why do they call it an asteriod when it's outside hemisphere, but call is a hemorrhoid when it's in your behind?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
(No Subject)
posted Thu, 17 Apr 2003 11:24AM
David
From another bc friend.
A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something?"
The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few moments later with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom.
He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet fussed the dog and took it out but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said "I'm sorry, but like I said your parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably dead."
He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried. "£150 just to tell me my bird is dead?!"
The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have been £20, but....what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan....."
Phone Call
posted Tue, 22 Apr 2003 12:51AM
MaryJoe
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying, "Hi, how are You?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the ladies restroom at a rest stop but, I don't know what got into me, so I answered, some what embarressed. "Doing just fine."
And the other lady says, "So what are you up to."
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say "Uhhh I'm like you, just traveling east."
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I heard another question.
Can I come over to you place after while?
Ok, this question is just wacky but I figured I could just be polie and end the conservation.
I tell her, "Well, I have company coming over so today is a bad day for me."
Then I hear the lady say nervously.......
"LISTEN" I'll have to call you back,
there's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions, bye.
Monkeys
posted Tue, 22 Apr 2003 12:56AM
MaryJoe
Life at work is like a tree full of monkeys
All on different limbs at different levels.
Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.
The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the botton look up and see nothing but assholes.
The Trouble with E-Mail
posted Wed, 23 Apr 2003 01:30AM
MaryJoe
It's wise to remember how easily e-mail, this wonderful technology can be misused. Sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida.
His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this e-mail on the screen.
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
l0 Reasons to Go To Work Naked
posted Wed, 23 Apr 2003 01:36AM
MaryJoe
l0. No one ever steals your chair.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
5. To stop those creppy programmer guys from looking down you blouse.
4. "I'd love to chip in......but I left my wallet in my pants."
3. Inventive way to finally meet that "special" someone in human resources.
2. Can take advantage of you computer monitor radation to work on your tan.
And the number ONE reason to go to work naked.........Your boss will never say, "I wanna see you ass in here by 8:00 ever again.
Pandas
posted Fri, 25 Apr 2003 10:53AM
Bevvy
The panda goes into a restaurant and orders a pizza and a beer, eats
the
pizza and then produces a gun from his pocket, firing five shots into
the ceiling. The panda then runs away. Armed police surround the area
and eventually arrest the panda.
"Hey," says the police chief, "what's the meaning of this outrage?"
"I'm a panda," says the panda.
"So?" says the police chief.
"Go look it up in the dictionary. That will explain exactly why I did
what I did."
The police chief looks up "panda" in the dictionary. The dictionary
entry reads: "Panda: a bear-like mammal. Eats shoots and leaves.
Arn't men wonderful
posted Mon, 28 Apr 2003 10:22AM
Bevvy
Here are those little truisms:-
Men .....
Men are like ..... Laxatives ..... they irritate the s... out of you
Men are like ...... Bananas .... the older they get, the less firm they
are
Men are like ...... vacations .... they never seem to be long enough
Men are like...... weather .... nothing can be done to change
them
Men are like ..... blenders you need one, but you're not sure why
Men are like ......chocolate bars .... sweet, smooth and they
usually head right for your hips
Men are like ...... commercials .... you can't believe a word
they say
(true, true)
Men are like ......coffee .... the best ones are rich, warm and
keep you up all night long
Men are like ......department stores .... the clothes are always
1/2 off
Men are like ...... mascara .... they usually run at the first sign of
emotion
Men are like ...... government bonds .... they take soooooooo
long to mature
Men are like ...... popcorn .... they satisfy you but only for a little while
Men are like ...... snowstorms .... you never know when they're
coming,how many inches you'll get or how long it will last
Men are like ...... lava lamps .... fun to look at but not very bright
Men are like ...... parking spots .... all the good ones are taken and the
rest are handicapped!
sunburn joke
posted Thu, 01 May 2003 10:32AM
mary1959
A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets horrible sunburn.
He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns. He was already starting to blister and in agony. The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?"
The doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."
Rose Buds
posted Sat, 03 May 2003 04:49AM
MaryJoe
The teenage grand daughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grand mother pitches a fit telling her not to dare go out like that.
The teenager tells her "loosen up grams, these are modern times." and out she goes on her date.
The next day the teenager comes down the stairs and the grand mother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to get totally upset. She explains to her grand mother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.......
The grand mother says, "loosen up, sweetie", if you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.........
What I learned from my dog
posted Sat, 10 May 2003 08:29PM
MaryJoe
When loved ones come home run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity of a joy ride.
Allow the wind and fresh air in your face to be pure ecstasy.
If what you want lies buried, dig till you find it.
Never pretend to be something you are not.
No matter how often you are scolded, don't buy into the guilt, run right back and make friends.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Run, romp and play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid bitting, when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop and lie on your back in the grass.
On hot days drink lots of water and lie in the shade of a tree.
Be loyal
When your happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
When it's in your best interests, practice obedience.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Eat with gusto and enthusism, but stop when you have had enough.
And most of all......when someone it having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
Careful... a sense of humour is catch
posted Mon, 12 May 2003 02:15PM
Bevvy
This story was told by a nurse... and she swears this really happened on her ward.
A man suspected of SARs is lying in the hospital bed with a mask over his
mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know Sir, I'm only here to wash your face and hands."
He struggles again to talk through his mask and repeats, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and
hands." The Head Nurse was passing and saw the man getting a little distraughtso she marched over to inquire what was wrong. "Nurse," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?" Being a nurse of long-standing, the Head Nurse was
undaunted.
She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pyjama trousers, had a real good look, pulled his pyjamas back up, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with your testicles!!!" At this point, the man pulled off his mask and screams out, "I SAID, ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK ??!!
OUT TO DINNER MATHEMATICS
posted Mon, 12 May 2003 02:19PM
Bevvy
This is pretty neat how it works out.
DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST
It takes less than a minute.......
Work this out as you read.
This is fun!
1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would
like
to have dinner out. (try for more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold)
3. Add 5. (for Sunday)
4. Multiply it by 50 - I'll wait while you get the
calculator................
5. If you have already had your birthday this year
add 1753.... If you haven't, add 1752..........
6.. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
You should have a three digit number .
The first digit of this was your original number
(I.e., how many times you want to have eat out each week.)
The next two numbers are...
YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it IS!!!!!)
THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2003) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND
WHILE IT LASTS. IMPRESSIVE, ISN'T IT?
The lady and the druggist
posted Tue, 13 May 2003 02:37AM
MaryJoe
A lady walks into a drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.
The druggist asks, "Mad'am, what do you want with arsenic?"
The lady says "to kill my husband."
I can't sell you any for that reason, says the druggist.
The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position.
The man is her husband and the lady is the druggist's wife.
She shows it to the druggist.
He looks at the photo and says, "Oh I didn't know you had a prescription."
Vacation
posted Tue, 13 May 2003 02:45AM
MaryJoe
A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in Northern Montana.
The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn.
The wife like to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and starts to read her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and
says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
Reading a book, she replies. (Thinking isn't that obvious?"
You're in a restricted fishing area, he informs her.
I'm sorrty officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading.
Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.
If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault, says the woman.
But I haven't even touched you, says the game warden.
That's true, but you have all the right equipment.
Her face and his butt
posted Wed, 14 May 2003 09:32PM
MaryJoe
A married couple was in a terrible car accident where the woman's face was severly burned.
The doctor told the husband that they could not graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.
So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgury was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before.
All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty.
One day, she was alone with her husband and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.
She said, "dear I just want to thank you for everything you did for me."
There is no way I could every re pay you.
"My darling wife", he replied think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.
Sorry Girls
posted Fri, 16 May 2003 12:43PM
Bevvy
There was this "Husband Shopping Center" where a woman could go to choose from among many men, for her husband. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place. So, a couple of girlfriends go to the place to
find men.
First floor, the door had a sign saying "These men have jobs and love kids."
The women read the sign and say "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they go. Second floor says "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking" Hmmm, say the girls. But, I wonder what's further up?
Third floor: "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." Wow! say the women. Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up! And up they go.
Fourth floor: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely
good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak." Oh, mercy me. But just think! What must be awaiting us further on!
So up to the fifth floor they go. The sign on that door said "This floor is
just to prove that women are impossible to please."
maths
posted Sun, 18 May 2003 07:10PM
mary1959
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife.
Dear Wife,
You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs that you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife and sincerely hope that you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
Your Husband
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
Dear Husband,
You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Since you are the mathematician, you will appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't wait up.
Your wife
The Cabby and the Nun
posted Wed, 21 May 2003 03:45PM
Bevvy
A cabby picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies,
"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as Iam and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds,
"Well, let's see what we can do about that: a) you have to be single
and
b) you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm
Catholic too!"
"Okay," the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make
anyone blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My
dear child," says the nun. "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married
and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's okay, my name's Kevin and I'm on my way to a
Halloween party."
Trying to teach
posted Wed, 21 May 2003 11:21PM
MaryJoe
The 8th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 7 times it's normal size when stimulated?
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry and said, "You should not be asking 8th graders a question like that. I am going to tell my parents and they will go and tell the principal, who will fire you.
With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down, Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again. "Which body part increases to 7 times it's normal size when stimulated?
Little Mary's mouth fell open, then she said to thos around her, boy, is she gonna get in big trouble.
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody"?
Finally, Kevin stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "the body part that increases 7 times it's size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good Kevin, then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say to you.........
(l) You have a dirty mind.
(2) You didn't read you homework.
(3) One day you are going to be very, very, disappointed.
Boyfriend
posted Wed, 21 May 2003 11:49PM
MaryJoe
After a long night of making love, this guy rolls over, and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on the night stand by the bed.
Naturally, the guy begins to worry, "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
Well, who is it then???demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before I had the surgery."
THE PAP SMEAR......
posted Fri, 23 May 2003 10:50AM
Bevvy
This is a laugh for all those women out there who so look forward to
that wonderful time once a year when they get to be "intimate" with their
OB/GYN doctor!
In Sydney, Australia, one of the radio stations pays ($1000-$5000) for
people to tell their most embarrassing stories. This one netted the winner $5000....
I was due later in the week for an appointment with the gynecologist.
Early one morning I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that
I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30 a.m. I had only
just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 a.m. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so Ididn't have any
time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over
hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be
able to make the full effort.
So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth
that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that
area" to make sure it was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when I was called in.
Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" but I didn't respond. When the appointment was over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went
home.
The rest of the day was normal...some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.
After school when my six-year-old daughter was playing, she called out
from the bathroom, "Mum, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it.
Survivors
posted Fri, 23 May 2003 12:34PM
Bevvy
According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who
werekids in the 50's, 60's, 70's and early 80's probably shouldn't have
survived, because......
Our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based paint
which was promptly chewed and licked.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on
doorsor cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.
When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip flops and
fluorescent 'clackers' on our wheels.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air
bags.
Riding in the passenger seat was a treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle -
tasted the same.
We ate dripping sandwiches, bread and butter pudding and drank
fizzy pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we
were always outside playing.
We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can
and no one actually died from this.
We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then
went top speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.
After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve
the problem.
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as
wewere back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us
allday and no one minded.
We did not have Playstations or X-Boxes, no video games at all.
No 99 channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no
mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet chat rooms.
We had friends we went outside and found them.
We played elastics and street rounders, and sometimes that ball
really hurt.
We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and
there were no lawsuits. They were accidents. We learnt not to do
the samething again.
We had fights, punched each other hard and got black and blue -
we learned to get over it.
We walked to friend's homes.
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate live
stuff, and although we were told it would happen, we did not have
very many eyes out, nor did the live stuff live inside us forever.
We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood.
Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was
unheard of. They actually sided with the law. Imagine that!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and
problem solvers and inventors, ever.
The past 50 years have
been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom,
failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
And if you're one of them. Congratulations!
Men Are Like
posted Wed, 28 May 2003 06:41PM
MaryJoe
Men Are Like.....Laxatives.....they irritate the ##### out of you.
Men Are Like.....Bananas.....the older they get, the less firm they are.
Men Are Like.....Vacations.....they never seem to long enough.
Men Are Like.....Weather.....nothing can be done to change them.
Men Are Like.....Blenders....you need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Men Are Like.....Chocolate bars.....sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
Men Are Like.....Coffee.....the best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up all night.
Men Are Like.....Commericals.....you can't believe a word they say.
Men Are Like.....Department Stores.....their clothes are always off.
Men Are Like......Government Bonds.....they take soooooooo long to mature.
Men Are Like......Masacara......they usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men Are Like.....Popcorn.....they satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men Are Like.....Lava Lamps.....fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men Are Like.....Parking Spaces.....all the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped......
(Sorry guys on the forum but I really liked this) Mary Joe
THE PHILOSOPHY OF LIFE
posted Thu, 29 May 2003 12:41PM
Bevvy
A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks - rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar were full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of small pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The students laughed. The professor then picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. "Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life.
The rocks are the important things - your family, your health, your children - things that if everything else were lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter such as your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else, the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there's no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you'll never have room for the things that are important to you. "Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. There'll always be time to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal.
Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
But then a student took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces and soaked into the said within the jar, making the jar truly full.
Which proves that no matter how full your life is, there's always room for a beer.
Hope I don't offend but I thought this was really funny
posted Sat, 31 May 2003 12:33AM
MaryJoe
A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions.
He get her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks "what is your occupation?"
The woman replies I'm a whore.
The accountant balks and says, NO, NO, No. That will never work .
The woman says OK, I'm a prostitute.
No that is still too crude says the accountant, try again.
They both think for a minute, then the woman states, I'm a chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?"
Well...... The woman replies, I raised over $5,000 cocks last year.......
My Son's Success
posted Mon, 02 Jun 2003 02:07AM
MaryJoe
Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons.
The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free. Just gave it to him.
The second man said "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave one of his friends a new Mercedes, fully loaded.
The third man, not wanting to be out done, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave a friend an entire portfolio.
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business.
The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?
The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gay bar.
The other three men grew silent as he continued. I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes,
and a stock portfolio.
Smoking in The Rain
posted Wed, 04 Jun 2003 01:33AM
MaryJoe
Two old ladies were outside their nursing homes, having a smoke when it started raining. One of the ladies pulls out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady l. What's that?
Lady 2. A condom, this way my cigarette does not get wet.
Lady l. Where did you get it?
Lady 2. You can get them at any drug store.
The next day, lady number one hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely, (After all she is over 80) but very delicately asks her what brand she prefers.
Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a camel.
The pharmacist fainted.
Just for a laugh
posted Sat, 07 Jun 2003 03:53AM
MaryJoe
As extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God given responsiblility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison.
With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. After a fruitless search up and down the east coast he started to head west.
Shortly there after he met an Iowa farmer who had three stunning gorgeous daughters that took his breath away.
So he explained to the farmer his mission asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer replied, "They are all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter, The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
"Well said the man, She just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeion-toed."
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date on of the other girls, so the man went took out the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how thing went. "Well, the man replied, "She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can harldy notice, cross-eyed."
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better.......So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She is the one I want to marry, so they were wed right away.
Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was shocked and upset. the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic-looking human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the good looks of both of the parents.
"Well, explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeeee bit, not that you could hardly notice, pregnant when you met her.
Ba Ba Black Sheep
posted Sat, 07 Jun 2003 03:57AM
MaryJoe
Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex.
"It was right down there by that tree, I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled.
"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.
"Yes, it was okay until I looked up and noticed her Mother was standing right there watching us."
"Oh my God....What did her Mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"
"Baaaaaa....."
Poor Mildred
posted Sat, 07 Jun 2003 04:03AM
MaryJoe
Poor Mildred was a 92 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.
She decided she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to quickly get over it, she took out Earl's old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was already broken.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and then become a vegatable and burden on someone else, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gun shot wound to her left knee.
The Bear and the Rabbit
posted Sat, 07 Jun 2003 04:09AM
MaryJoe
There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other.
One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes. The bear went first and he said, "I wish to be the only male bear in this forest." And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, "I want a motercycle helmet," and he got his wish.
The bear went up and said, "I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female."
And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, " I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet." And he got his wish.
The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females." He got his wish.
It was the rabbit's turn, and he said, "I wish that the bear was gay."
Women aren't stupid
posted Thu, 12 Jun 2003 11:39PM
MaryJoe
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money.
He was a real miser when it came to his money.
He love money more than just about anything.
And said to his wife, when I die I want you to take all of my money and place it in the casked with me.
Because I want to take my money to the after life.
So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he dies, she would put all the money in the casket with him.
Well one day he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her best friend. When they had finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "wait just a minute."
She had a shoe box with her and placed it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casked down and rolled it away.
Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in there with that stingy old man."
The wife said, oh yes, I promised, I am a good Christian. I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.
Her friend said, you mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?
"I sure did, said the wife." I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check........
Therapy
posted Fri, 13 Jun 2003 11:02PM
MaryJoe
A licensed counselor was conducting a group therapy session with four young Mother's and their small children.
You all have obsessions, he observed. To the first Mother, he said "You are obsessed with eating." You named your daughter Candy.
He turned to the second Mother, He said "Your obsession is with money."
It manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.
He turns to the third Mother, "Your obsession is alcohol." This manifests itself in your childs's name Brandy.
At this point, the fourth Mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on Dick, we're leaving.
Florida Couple
posted Tue, 17 Jun 2003 03:52AM
MaryJoe
A Florida couple, both well into their 80's, got to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks "What can I do for You?"
The man says, " Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor say, "There is absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50.00 and he says good bye.
The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor and then leaves.
Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry but I have to ask you just what are you trying to find out?"
The old man says "We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married and we can't go to her house.
I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98.00
The Hilton charges $l39.00
We do it here for $50.00 and I get $43.00 back from Medicare.
Just for a laugh
posted Wed, 25 Jun 2003 03:41AM
MaryJoe
One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn.
A neighbor lady was so outraged at this, she came over and shouted at the man, "You should be hung."
To which he camly replied,
"I am, that's why she cuts the grass."
Sex in the Dark
posted Wed, 09 Jul 2003 02:09AM
MaryJoe
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridculous.
She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the light.
She looked down......and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device......a vibrator. Soft,wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic." You impotent fool", she screamed at him.
How could you be lying to me all these years?
You had better explain yourself.
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly, I'll explain the vibrator......you explain the kids.
Just for a laugh
posted Sat, 12 Jul 2003 01:16AM
MaryJoe
A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs perhaps?" A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee? she asks.
He declines, "It's this Viagra he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunch time, she asks if he would like something, "A bowl of homemade soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich.?"
He declines, "The Viagra, he says really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like maybe a steak and apple pie?" Maybe a microwave pizza or a tasty stir fry?
He declines. "No, still not hungry."
"Well, she says, would you mind letting me up? I am starving."
funny stuff
posted Mon, 14 Jul 2003 10:06PM
Justine
Hi to you all on here, I am new to this website and thought I would add some funny stuff to this forum. These are from actual doctors notes. Hope you like them.
1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
2. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared completely.
3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
5. Discharge status:Alive but withought permission.
6. The patient refused an autopsy.
7. The patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
8. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.
9. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
10. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got divorced.
11. Patient has two teenage children, apart from that no other abnormalities.
12. Complains of chest pain occasionally, otherwise just a pain.
13. Patient is always telling me about her pains and problems. This remains a significant pain to me.
14. If it weren't for the fact this patient was dead, I would say he was in perfect health.
15. Testicles are missing on this woman.
Plus
ASK A SILLY QUESTION...
These are actual answers from family fortunes!
Name something a blind person might use - A SWORD
Name a song with moon in the title - BLUE SUEDE MOON
Name a bird with a long neck - NAOMI CAMPBELL
Name an occupation where you might need a torch - A BURGLAR
Name a famous brother and sister - BONNIE & CLYDE
Name a dangerous race - THE ARABS
Name an item of clothing worn by the three musketeers - A HORSE
Name something that floats in the bath - WATER
Name a famous cowboy - BUCK ROGERS
Name a famous royal - MAIL
Name a number you have to memorize - 7
Name something you do before going to bed - SLEEP
Name something you put on walls - ROOFS
Name a famous bridge - THE BRIDGE OVER TROUBLED WATERS
Name an animal you see at the zoo - A DOG
Name something associated with the police - PIGS
Name something slippery - A CONMAN
Name a kind of food that can be brown or white - POTATO
Name a famous scotsman - JOCK
Name something with a hole in it - WINDOW
PLUS...
IF YOU ARE AMERICAN AND YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY YOU ARE ALWAYS TIRED, THIS SHOULD HELP!!!!!
For years I have been blaming my tiredness on an iron-poor blood, dieting, and other stuff, but now I've realised why I am so tired. It's because I'm overworked.
The population of America is 237 million. 104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work.
Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government, that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in prisons, that leaves just two people to do the work, you and me.
And as you are sitting there reading this, I'm the only one working, no wonder I'm so TIRED!!!
I'm British, but thought you american people might like this one.
God Bless you all
Justine
x
Just for a laugh
posted Fri, 18 Jul 2003 10:06PM
MaryJoe
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."
This is not a phrase men normally use, so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.
When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."
He zipped it up and finished his shopping. He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was that told him about his "Barracks Door."
He was planning to have a little fun with her.
When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?"
The lady (not wanting to be our smarted) thought for a moment and said "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.
Three Ole Ladies
posted Fri, 18 Jul 2003 10:10PM
MaryJoe
Three old ladies where sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you are saying, but I remember the guy you are talking about.
Little ole ladies
posted Fri, 18 Jul 2003 10:14PM
MaryJoe
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One lady turn and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it.?
The second old lady replies, well I suck a lifesaver.
After a few minutes, the first old lady asks, "who drives you to the beach.?
The ladys hat
posted Fri, 18 Jul 2003 10:18PM
MaryJoe
An old lady was standing at the railing of a cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that is would not blow off in the wind.
a gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind.?
Yes, I know, said the lady, I need both hands to hold onto this hat.
But madam, you must know that your privates are exposed, said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old."
I just bought this hat yesterday.
Another Blonde Joke
posted Thu, 24 Jul 2003 03:41AM
MaryJoe
A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains.
She tells the salesman:
I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen.
The surprised salesman replies:
But, Madam, computers do not have curtains......
Hello.........she replies, I've got Windows...........
The Screamer
posted Thu, 24 Jul 2003 03:46AM
MaryJoe
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.
A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
What's all the screaming about in here?
You're scaring the customers he said.
The drunk replied, "I'm just sitting here on the toliet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the heck our of my testicles."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot, you are sitting on the mop bucket."
(no subject)
posted Fri, 15 Aug 2003 12:15PM
brendam
Just bringing this thread back to the top as it's a real tonic. Bren XXX
Shopping
posted Sat, 16 Aug 2003 07:20PM
MaryJoe
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a quart of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a l lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. He said, "You must be single."
The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition. Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selection she said, "Well, you know you are absolutely right, I am single, but how on earth did you know."
The drunk replied, "Cause your ugly."
It's education, Stupid!
posted Mon, 18 Aug 2003 03:01PM
Justine
These are real exam answers, hope they're a good tonic for you!
"I've said goodbye to my boyhood, now I'm looking forward to my adultery."
"Monotomy means being married to the same person for all of your life."
"I always know when it's time to get up when I hear my mother sharpening the toast."
"A major disease associated with smoking is premature death."
"The equator is a menagerie lion running around the earth through Africa."
"Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
"Cows produce large amounts of methane, so the problem could be solved by fitting them with catalytic converters."
"The process of flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists."
"Water is composed of two gins,Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
"When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."
"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."
"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon over a flame in a test tube."
"When you smell odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."
"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places, and so they look like umbrellas."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
"Momentum - what you give a person when they are going away."
"To keep milk from turning sour keep it in the cow."
Just for a laugh
posted Wed, 05 Nov 2003 08:10PM
MaryJoe
Bringing this to the top.....Mary Joe.....
I am a blonde (Mary Joe)
posted Fri, 07 Nov 2003 06:08PM
MaryJoe
A blonde ws swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop.
The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?"
The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but where ever I go, there's always a tree in fron to me and I can't seem to get away from it."
The cop looked at her and said, "Lady,
That's your air freshener."
Bonde at the airport
posted Fri, 07 Nov 2003 06:10PM
MaryJoe
A blondes goes to the airport.
She is so blonde that when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left", she turned abound and went back home.
Blondes hits the ground last
posted Fri, 07 Nov 2003 06:12PM
MaryJoe
If a blonde and a brunette jump off a building with the same velocity, each traveling at a parallel speed relative to one another, who lands first?
The brunette. The blonde has to stop and ask for directions.
The Menopausal Mother
posted Fri, 07 Nov 2003 09:52PM
mummycarol
With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65 year-old woman gave birth to a baby.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit. "May we see the new baby?" one asked.
"Not yet," said the 65 year-old mother, "Soon."
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"
"Not yet," said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"
"No," replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they
asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?"
"WHEN IT CRIES," she told them.
"WHEN IT CRIES?" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until it CRIES?"..
CAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT IT
(no subject)
posted Thu, 13 Nov 2003 09:45PM
mummycarol
Now I lay me
Down to sleep.
I pray the Lord
My shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles
Please no bags
And please lift my butt
Before it sags.
Please no age spots
Please no gray
And as for my belly,
Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy
Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord
For all that you've done.
Foot Note: One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."
Just For A Laugh...Cont...
posted Sat, 27 Nov 2004 03:31AM
MaryJoe
Bringing this to the top....