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Topic: lost direction

lost direction

posted Thu, 09 Sep 2004 01:20PM
whisky

Hi ladies
Does antone else feel like me? I've done 6 out of 8 chemo and am just about to start radiotherapy and have really started to feel down.
After my op - lumpectomy and lymph node clearance i read loads of stuff about breast cancer and started eating a vegan, dairy free diet, took up yoga, went to support groups and was generally very positive. Now however seem to have gone in to self destruct. I have read so much conflicting advice about diet now eat and drink what i want when i want. I have lost my hair and put on weight with chemo also having menopuasal symptons so feel bad about the way I look. I am really worried about the cancer coming back and leaving my children so i read lots about secondary cancers and end up feeling more frightened and depressed yet I can't seem to motivate myself to do something about it. People tell me you can beat this you're a fighter but I don't know what to fight with anymore!
Any suggestions of how to get positive again?

normality

posted Thu, 09 Sep 2004 04:41PM
alma

It is not suprising you feel as you do. The chemotherapy causes depression, the idea of not being around for your children is an obvious reaction, that normal people never give a second thought. I reached the depths of despair at my second chemo session, and was put on antidepressants, I also asked everyone I could think of for help as I felt I was in a deep hole surrounded by misery. I went to a cancer centre and had councelling and I spoke to a macmillan nurse, and the breast cancer nurse, I also had a visit from a fellow bc suvivor. All of these helped but the antidespressants and councillor were the best, within a few hours of seeing the councellor my whole attitude to life changed. I also had sessions of Reflexology after chemo, and they were amazing in how quickly I recovered from the chemo. I'm sure everyone on this site will agree that chemo is no picnic, but, you just have to get through it. Ask for help talk to someone (I don't mean family or friends) who will ask you soul searching questions, and when you answer truthfully, that is where your strength will come from, I'm sure like me, the reason I had to go on was because I could not, would not leave my children, and that was my starting point. I work in an op, theatre, and have found less information is better, I'll find out more when I can deal with now? I found it terrifying to look in the mirror and see a fat bald cancer patient who was about to die. This of course is not true, eventually the weight went, the hair came back thick and curly, and eventually I stopped thinking about cancer so often. Now I sometimes have to remind myself that I was in your position over 2 years ago, keep going you WILL get there, but ask for help. Do you have a Cancer care charity near by, if so give them a ring, they really are nice people and they understand.

What works for me

posted Thu, 09 Sep 2004 10:59PM
ChristineMH

Oh, it does sound like you are having a hard time of it. It seems like you put an awful lot of stress on yourself to combat your cancer. One thing that I have found helpful is to admit that I am not entirely responsible for the outcome of my cancer, but I can control certain things.

For example, there is no evidence that a fighting spirit helps fight cancer. However, I figure that there is also no evidence that gloomy patients do better and I will probably get more out of life, no matter how long it is, if I focus on things that make me happy.

Likewise, there is precious little evidence about cancer and diet. Cancer is not like diabetes, where there is loads of solid scientific evidence about what to eat. It is far to easy to get to the point of wondering constantly what each mouthful is doing to the cancer. On the other hand, eating alot of junk probably won't make you feel good.

I would stop reading about secondary cancer. It might never come back or it might come back a long time from now when the treatments could be totally different.

One thing that that has been scientifically proven to improve the quality of life of people undergoing radiotherapy is a thirty-minute walk three times a week, so that might be worth a shot.

Take care,
Christine

(No Subject)

posted Fri, 10 Sep 2004 10:39AM
JJ

Dear Whisky, I think what has happened is that things have hit you suddenly. When we get a diagnosis we grasp hold of the things we can do - whether its chemo or surgery or whatever and we are DOING something. Later, the significance of it can hit, especially if the road seems to be so steep and never-ending. It takes about 6 months or so to jump through all these hoops and its a long time to keep body and soul together. And also, you dont know if its working.
Some illnesses you rub on the cream or swallow the pills and the raash goes or whatever. With cancer there isnt always a visible sign that all the hard work is producing the desired result.
Chemo I think is especially hard as each time you get well you know there is another cycle due and you know you are going to be feeling poorly again. I vaguely remember a recent thread about it and people called it hitting a brick wall.
Perhapsinstead of trying to do so many things you just pick 1. I think you need to get your spirit stronger and dont hassle yourself too much about every mouth full going in. When you feel better you are more able to do more.
I used to get hold of joke books and funny stories and read them. I found lifting my mood a bit by laughing gave me a bit of strength i could use. Or invite round your most bubbly friends. Put on some funny videos. I know its sounds trivial and not life changing, but it just lifts my mood enough sometimes to get started on an upward road.
I would agree with the others and consider a support group, a counsellor or chat to your nurse. maybe just be airing your fears you may feel a little more comfortable and they may be able to offer some reassurrances to you. I go with a policy of gradual exclosure from the nurse too. I ask her careful questions so she doesnt tell me more than i can deal with at 1 sitting.

I feel much the same!

posted Fri, 10 Sep 2004 05:55PM
Carolynanne

I've done four bouts of EC and am about to start four lots of Taxol. I feel very down at times, particularly three days after chemo when my mood plumets for about two days and then lifts a bit within a few hours (feels hormonal to me). On top of that, I have very down days when I can't seem to recognise the trigger but if I think hard, it's usually something to do with my uncertain future and my kids. Someone told me (or I read somewhere....was it here??) that when you are first diagnosed, all the coping strategies come into play and you DO things to help you cope. Later on, the reality hits and you are perhaps not using the strategies so well anymore. This is true also for family and friends. With me, after the initial trauma had subsided, the support from my friends and family tailed off a bit.
It can be a very lonely journey without much support, as I'm finding out. I don't want to rely on my kids for support, they are only 11 and 8. I am separated from my husband but he is fairly good when he feels like it.
I'm going to a support group in a couple of weeks so I hope that helps! Anyway, I'm off to hit the red wine now! Only one bottle though! Taxol starts Tuesday...wish me luck!
Carolyn

(no subject)

posted Mon, 13 Sep 2004 03:34PM
alisonself

Just to let you know that yes, others do feel like you. I was diagnosed in April, have had lumpectomy and just finished chemo awaiting radio next week...and am suddenly feeling very low. Like you I changed diet, read everything I could, took loads of advice from family/friends who had also read everything they could, started to meditate, had healing ...you name it I think I've done it.But now I feel like I have come to a stand still. And I still think all of these things are good things to do...except perhaps not all at once!
Its only now that I think I'm actually getting emotional about the whole process - and maybe you are doing the same thing. We do have to allow ourselves time to be low, emotional, angry, tearful...all of those things and more. Whats happening to our bodies (from the treatment itself to the wonderful menopausal side effects!)is nothing short of complete crap (am I allowed to say that on a forum?!) So give yourself some slack and eat chocolate - unless of course you're not eating dairy in which case buy choccie with at least 70%cocoa solids, and then you won't want to eat much of it!
And as for the secondary cancers, I would think it probably best if you stop reading the books. We can all only live in the now - we can't allow ourselves to be overcome by what might or might not be. Enjoy you days with your kids as they happen - easy for me to say when I don't have kids I know - but really really make the most of every bloody day. That's how we all beat breast cancer! Big hugs to you.

(No Subject)

posted Mon, 13 Sep 2004 05:10PM
whisky

Thanks for all your ideas everyone.
I too found the entries on hitting the 'brick wall' and found it comforting to hear other people going through the same emotions. I have taken up some of your ideas - now walk the dog everyday and don't worry about following a specific diet just try to eat healthily. I have also found it helps to plan something to look forward to and have had a couple of nights out with friends. Rewatched one of my favourite films recently - The Shawshank Redemption and a line spoken by Tim Robbins really hit home - "I could get busy dying or I could get busy living." Think I'm going to get busy living from now on !

Hi Whisky

posted Tue, 14 Sep 2004 12:22AM
Kimmi

I feel for you so much and I really know where you are coming from. I finished my chemo in Nov 02 and I have felt down from the time of diagnosis. My onc always promised me that things would get better and I never believed her. Couldn't see past the next day or plan for the future.

I moved from Dorset to North Yorkshire last year in August and had to start from scratch with all my doctors. My new GP put me on some other anti depressants in November and I started feeling worse than I did before(on Effexor XL) and wondered why I existed. I finally plucked up the courage to see another GP and he has changed my medication and I feel like a different person. I was put on anti depressants called Cipralex, got councelling with a pyscologist, aromatherapy massage, hypnotherapy and homeopathy at the cancer centre.

I know our situations are slightly different but I just want you to know that things do get better but it does take time. I suffered very badly with fatigue and lack of motivation until about 2 weeks ago. Now I can get up with my boys to see them off to school and I don't go back to bed. I have started to cook and iron again, oh joy but never did it before.

There is so much help out there but you must ask for it. If you don't get it at your cancer centre, ring Macmillan helpline. I even rang the samaritans because I was just so low and they were fantastic.

These forums are fantastic because we all know and understand exactly how another person might be feeling. I didn't have a very good bc nurse when I was first diagnosed but have a fantastic one now, now that I live in North Yorkshire.

Hope you are feeling a little better today. I found reading other peoples messages helped me alot. I did read up on nearly everything when I was first dx and that was a big mistake. I have learnt not to do that as much now but obviously we want to know all the new treatments and things.

I am on Tamoxifen and Zoladex which doesn't help with our situation, either.

Take care, lots of love
from Kim

losing direction

posted Thu, 23 Sep 2004 06:40PM
shez

hi whiskey, its tough to keep the fight on but try not to concentrate on too many things at once. i found that if i sat down and wrote adiary of how i feeling what i was doing etc it helped me to clear my head. its easier said than done but if you can give yourself quality time nice bath candles etc and chill and pamper yourself. i try to set time for me(i have a daughter n a husband) listen to favourite music and relax. if i cry i cry i dont stop my self from having my emotional days.all the conflicting stuff you read about cancer and the amount of info it overwhelming in its self. i also used my diary if i had aquestion you know those that come at 2 am i get up make a drink write it my diary and leave it there untill the morning and 9 times out of 10 i forget about it but if i dont i ask dirrectly to my breast cancer nurse. its not easy to put cancer in a box in your mind and get it out when you need to but try and concentrate on chemo for now then you can close that chapter to open a new one . as for secondaies yes it can happen but your having chemo now then you will have drugs-tamoxifen? so as long as you look after yourself you should be ok but dont worry too much if it happens cross that bridge then not now. keep strong get in touch if you want im 28 yrs old i was 25 when i diagnosed xx

Loosing Direction

posted Mon, 27 Sep 2004 08:17PM
CarolynReeves

Reading your message was a complete mirror image of what I have done. I have read and researched everything I can on the net and am absolutely confused by the conflicting info I am reading. I too have given up dairy products, meat, alchohol and caffeine but sometimes its hard to find something to eat or drink that you fancy!!! Have you been reading about apricot KERNELS as I have been researching this recently. Apparently, you have to eat at least 7 of these things each day as they contain something that kills the cancer cells but you have to either grind them or chew them!!! My approach to breast cancer is to take the conventional medical treatment and then try to reverse my lifestyle so that whatever caused the cancer will be eliminated.I like you am getting to the end of my chemo (end of October) and then start radiotherapy for 4/5 weeks. I am dreading the tamoxifan as its the only option available to pre menoposal women. I keep reading about all the new treatments Femera, etc etc but they wont be available to us younger sufferers only for the post menoposal.I am feeling a little more positive now as my hair is now growing!! Its only a shade longer than my 4 month old grandson but at least it doesnt look like a snooker ball!!!