Hello all it's great to find a website like this helping so many people. My mom was recently diagnosed with breast cancer and the wonderful woman she is has agreed to let me document her throughout the chemo to recovery using photography. I've never had to deal with either of my parents being anything close to having cancer and i find it really difficult to talk to my mom other than in a quite patronising "everything's going to be okay, don't be silly" kind of way. we talk about breast cancer and the chemo quite a lot and comfortably but its when she has her "bad days" i find it hard not to be patronising. If anybody out there could maybe give me some ideas on how to talk her through it on these bad days i would be most greatful, thanks for reading
Hi Adam, What a lovely son you are - that will be helping your mum a lot already. I think the most important thing is for her to feel you are on her side, against the disease (obvious, I know). What i mean is admitting that you feel scared for her too, or that you hate and feel powerless about the side effects just as she does, or that you feel angry and want to swear just like she does. What didn't help was dear friends who said 'it'll be okay' because they couldn't bear me to be distressed. It didn't work. Those fears were real in my head and i had to face them, in order to get past them. Saying 'it'll be okay' is meaningless and also denies the sick person the opportunity to express their true feelings. I think you know this anyway. Sometimes I had to look at all the horror of my worst fears full on, hit rock bottom, and have a good cry/rant/ whatever. Only then could I pick myself up and find a way of carrying on. The important thing was having friends or family who would go there with me and support me through it. You are obviously a sensitive chap and have a good relationship with your Mum already, so just build on that. I wish you both all the best Jacquie
I am so sorry to learn of your mums dx. Your love for your mum shines through. I have a wonderful daughter who until my dx thought that I was invincible. She found it so difficult to talk to me during the dark times, I am having chemo. It took a little time for us to sort this out although we never actually spoke about it just sensed that we were not meeting at this point. Now she is brilliant, my rock. She can share my despair but stays hooked to reality which I think I lose at this point, She does not tell me it will be alright but she does gently remind me that all is not lost bur rather that my bc was caught early, the treatment will end, recovery is possible, I will feel better, death is not imminent, the list goes on. She holds me very close and we hug together and as she speaks the despair takes a back seat and I feel more able to pull myself through. Something else occurs to me. Our rolls have changed since this dx. But I still am her mum, I want to mother her, so, I want to recognise her pain as well, to talk for her sake. "It's alright" would deny me the opportunity to fulfill this most important part of me. My daughter is 34 and has her own family. I tell you this because you don't mention your age and obviously this makes a difference. I think I have prattled on, I find feelings hard to write about. Everything Jaqui says I reiterate she writes so clearly of how it feels. Finally please make sure that you have a support network around you. You must have fears that you don't want to voice to your mum right now.
I too thought my mum was invincible and hope she still is!....strange you use that word Margaret as have always thought mum would be here and going strong until 100!!! I am a similar age to your daughter and waiting on results (next Weds) which will confirm the biopsy Mum had on Monday. It's really good to read your comments on how your daughter has supported you through this and that is exactly the way I hope to be if we get bad news next week. Adam, from what many people have said to me, a lot of hugs will go a long way - do you have brothers/sisters that can also support? My brother had cancer and has had the all clear so talking to him is extremely reassuring - I think on bad days, you just have to make sure you're there, going through it with her and fighting it as a family.