Hi Harley I dont usually read this family forum but have tonight. Oh how my heart just aches for you hun, as i read your post it took me back to my mum. However i have to say the Oncologist refused mums request that he told me everything then i just shared with her what i thought she could cope with. Quite right that he did this as at that stage she needed radiotherapy and a tube into her stomach to feed her.It was heartbreaking as my mum had had a few nervous breakdowns and couldnt cope at that stage. she used to put her hands over her ears as she didnt want to know. I asked the oncologist what the prognosis was and he said to me it could be 6 months it could be longer. Never told mum that. It was 6 yrs after that she finally got the news from the onc there was nothing more they could do for her. I couldnt believe it she said 'thank you very much i thought you would say that'. Quite honestly she had had enough. However she had a strong faith which i felt kept her strong. I have seen many friends and family die of cancer all very different in how they were told, what they were told and how they reacted.
I would hate it if my family were not honest with me, infact i would hate the oncologist not to tell me directly if i had such little time to live. I always say if my cancer ever becomes terminal and they are just giving me treatment to prolong my life but the treatment is making life unbearable i wont have it and just be delaying the inevitable.
I went through so much with my mum she depended so heavily on me as emotionally she was unable to cope i almost felt it was me going through it so i feel so much for you. We dont talk about death in an honest and open way and we SHOULD as sad to say its the only thing in life we can be 100% certain of. I would love a discussion on BCC regarding whether we have treatment and when we stop and accept we are dying but thats a tough one as so many ladies are going on and on and on with treatment to give them an extra few weeks months with their children and who can say they should stop treatment? How i hate this disease.
do let us know how things are, and do get in touch with the mcmillan nurses and possibly a hospice i found marie curie where mum died to be so so wonderful.They made mum so comfortable and relaxed and helped us too. I still support the place as do my fit daughters who run for them and raise funds.
Nobody can or should tell you what to do, it can only be your decision on what to tell your mother. Having just lost my wife to BC and spending some time away in NZ to recover i have just finished reading a book on dealing with grief and its closing line was "It is not just about the life lost but about the life lived" Everyone is an individual and every case is different but with my wife we told her everything that she wanted to know when she wanted to know it. Perhaps the fist question is to ask her what she wants to know. I wish you well Martin
So heartbreaking to read of your dilemma...I have mixed feelings on this subject, having bc myself, twin brother died at 50 yrs of brain tumour, thankfully at home, and Dad, age 59 some 30 yrs ago of colon cancer.
I was with my mother when my Dad had surgery, which we thought was to diagnose him and take out the tumour. When he was in the recovery room, a doctor came to Dad's bed and motioned me out of the ward. He took me into a small room and told me that Dad's cancer had spread to his liver, kidneys etc. and all they could do was close him up. The Dr. asked me what he should tell my Mum, and what to tell Dad. I told him that I didn't think Dad could handle the dx of terminal cancer and we decided, rightly or wrongly, to tell him he had an obstruction in his bowel. At that moment my mother flew into the room, very agitated. She had guessed what the prognosis was and ran out of the hospital...me trying to keep up. I can still remember her words: "Liz, it is like having an arm and a leg cut off, I can't cope without your Dad." Next breath she said: "Don't tell anyone your Dad has cancer." Gosh, this is making me cry all these years later. In those days, cancer was whispered and I told Mum that cancer is not infectious, not the bubonic plague and we had no reason to feel ashamed or embarrassed.
We never did tell Dad he was dying or even that he had cancer. When I asked his doctor what he would say to Dad about his diagnosis/prognosis, he said that if a patient specifically asked if he had cancer, they could not lie, but if the patient asked "What is wrong with me?", they could bend the truth and say: "You have on obstruction in your bowel." Mum, sister and I felt comfortable with that. Dad died 2 weeks after the surgery, in his sleep, in no pain. I have no regrets whatsoever as to the course we took. Mum survived very well on her own and died 17 yrs later of a stroke.
I don't think anyone can advise you what to do - your own instincts will tell you. The medical profession has changed radically since then, and there is help available from McMillan, Marie Curie and bc nurses, which was not in the early 1970's. We handled Dad's situation the best way we could, with little or no knowledge.
I will say prayers for you and your Mum. Take care, Liz.