A few months ago I had a bit of a liver scare, and suddenly completely out of the blue, my ex Sister-in-Law, ex hubby's sister sent me this long winded email about how she had probably not been a brilliant sister-in-law, probably hadn't done all she should have etc, it went on for paragraphs, big long soppy thing, I never hear from her normally. She was a perfectly decent sister-in-law, just a bit OTT at times that's all. Then when I wrote back and said well hang on actually I haven't been told anything definite at all, just basically an ultrasound has shown up a couple of two spots, but they could be anything, she said oh sorry, that wasn't the impression I got, and I haven't heard from her since again. In the geordie expression "there's nowt as queer as folk"!! She almost sounded disappointed !!
What gets me is that ppl think I should be going to pieces, depressed and oh woe is me about this cancer crap. Ok I'm not overjoyed at the idea of it but my prognosis from the start was very good and I have just kind of incorportaed cancer inot my life rather than allow it to take over ... but why do ppl refuse to believe that to me cancer is not the end of the world ..... if I say I am fine then I am fine, if I'm not I will tell you about it.
Funnily enough I could have just imagined her at mine, all glammed up to the hilt, telling everyone what a fabulous sister-in-law I was. She's a nice enough person, just very ME, ME, ME. She's about a size 6 - 8 and has had her boobs done, and they look fab, so I would have been looking down at her, wanting to kick her, ha ha.
I can't help but agree with Shazza34 that it's probably best to try not to feel so hurt by these comments. It's very difficult for people to say the right thing at the best of times, but facing someone with cancer can bring out people's worst fears and fantasies. I'm not sure what is the right thing to say. It depends on the individuals involved. Sometimes I think/know that I'm the insensitive one by telling all and sundry about my cancer, even if they haven't asked. Mind you, it's pretty obvious - no breasts, no hair, walk with a stick, moon faced & steroid bloated. But this is my 3rd brush with the dreaded C in 5 years, and this time I've got brain mets, so I've heard most comments before, and friends and family have got used to the situation. Generally when they say 'I don't know how you cope - I couldn't.' they are just trying to give me a pat on the back and let me know that they love me - and trying to say it without bursting into tears. Lots of love, Lynn
I do agree with you but when you get comments like is your cancer down to alchol, its abit much to keep you cool. Admited i do like a glass of wine......but when your sister in law comes out with a gem like that it makes my blood boil x
Hi Lyn I totally agree with you people do find it hard to know what to say, I have people cross the road rather than talk to me. I told every one when i was dx and sometimes i still do but i know i proberly bore people i just wanted to get it off my chest take care x
I am more than two sheets to the wind tonight, not eating, just drinking 3 bottles of Fortijuice a day, but flying high on steroids for my Crohn's problems, which are a much bigger problem than my bc although probably connected.
Actually, now, I don't give a toss what people think, or what I want to tell them...they have not walked in my shoes for 38 yrs with Crohn's or 5 yrs with breast cancer. I know I look like s+++, even one of my oldest friends said to me today: "Liz, you would look so much better with more weight on, your face is so shrunken." Unusually for me, I was tongue tied. At times, these people don't even warrant a second of my thoughts.
Wonderfull to be able to share our problems here with others in the same situationl
Hi Liz it is funny how people can be such idiots. I wish that i could toughen up and say up yours, I can cope with what people say but its when you cant sleep or your sitting on your own thinking and then i get angry with myself and wish i had had a go at the time. Before i had cancer i did say what i was thinking at the time of thinking it but now i seem to have lost confiedence, or is the fact i just want a quiet life who knows but i wish i could get a back bone.............. x
Hi had the last of my rads Friday and would have been thrilled except that I have found another lump and on examination my onc found another, both on the border of the rads. [I've had chemo]. Onc said he wanted to reassure me but I would need to be tested to make sure. Then he said,"you do know that if you develop further cancer I can do nothing for you!!!!" Shouldn't he have known better? I have learnt from reading other threads that there is still life and you can be helped further. I ask for honest answers but am not sure that such doom and gloom were appropriate while being reassured. Margaret
Hi Margaret, hope it is not anything serious . Yes he should know better the pillock! Thanks for reply to my other thread I didnt forget about you just had loads to do. Maybe the bit I printed in the NHS co payment thread would be suitable for your idea. If you pm your phone number we could have a chat. In your own time when your ready.
Oh sorry meant to say my mil suffers from tinnitus and she swears blind its very dibillitating cant be teated not like cancer you know. bloody incredible!!!!!!
I too love sharing the ghastly things which people can say but I also agree with Shazza34 and lynnferg...what is it exactly what we want people to say? I am currently living with a slowly but relentlessly progressing regional recurrence which isn't responding to treatment. I now send bulletins to a group of friends to update them because I'm bored of telling the story...and I'm sure they are a bit bored too''' though scared and worried for me..and I understand that.. This week I've been on holiday on my own for 4 days...used to do it a lot...but haven't for a while..had a brilliant time and part of it was because I didn't have the burden of being with anyone (partner included) who knew I had breast cancer (though my nearly bald look is perhaps a giveaway).
Sometimes people get it wrong and sometimes they get it right...and what is right and what is wrong depends on the day and my mood. Sometimes I want a nod in the direction that yes I am going to die and i am f**** s**** scared and sometimes I can't bear those solemn faces. I'm more generous to people these days..people do love and care and it is incredibly difficult to 'know what to say'...I still find it so with people further down the road than me.
As a lot of you know Lisa died nearly 7 weeks ago (seven very long weeks ago!) anyway I have now found that 3 people have come up to me and said, " Are you feeling better now?". Simon has found the same question asked of him. I know they probably don't know what to say but I wish they would think first. It makes me feel as if I have just had an illness which I am now getting over or lost a cat. The truth is I feel a lot worse than in the beginning because reality is now setting in. Instead of giving the answer I want to give I usually just end up saying, " Some days better than others". Maybe they could ask how I was but not 'am I feeling better'. Someone else who lost a grown up daughter 5 years ago said that you are left with this large, deep, gaping wound and there are lots of sticking plasters out there which hold it together but it never heals. Now I couldn't say that to people could I? They would think I had gone potty. Someone even said to Simon " Never mind you will find another girlfriend"! and that was at the funeral! Still keep up reading your threads. Still no result from PM but I am going to ring this week if still no results. Love Sue xx
I can't believe someone would be as insensitive as to say that to Simon, well I suppose I can,because that's human nature I suppose, but it beggars belief that people would be that stupid. But it's basically unless they have travelled your journey they have no inkling of the depth of loss and overwhelming grief you must be feeling.
I must admit when you were posting about Lisa when she was suffering her worst I felt inadequate, and I think apart from an initial wishing you all the best type of post earlier on, I didn't post, not because I didn't care, I read all your postings, but just so felt inadequate and what can you say to someone, who has lost a child. We watch them from tiny little bundles, and we never imagine for one minute that we will be organising their funeral, a bright beautiful daughter of 34. Life is extremely unfair at times and I can't even, nor want to even think for one moment how much pain you must all still be going through. All I can think about my boys is will he complete his college course, will the youngest one pass his GCEs, will my oldest one pass his driving test. That's how our lives as Mothers should be, not the pain that you have been dealt.
I hope you do find a peace of sorts, but my thoughts will always be with you.
Thanks Julie. I expect I will 'get there' one day. Its really odd the stages that you go through....so different from when my Mum died and I thought that was bad .. maybe its worse as Lisa was my only child and so now with no Mum and no daughter life really sucks ... might get some counseling and see if it helps .. there are places where you can talk to other bereaved people ... so lovely of people on here to send all the good and kind wishes that they do .. this site has been a life line at times. I know most of you that do write to me do understand because you are facing your own worst nightmares and those of you that are Mums of course can imagine how awful it is to lose a child, however old. Thank you so much. I will continue my ramblings from time to time I suspect! It does help and thanks for reading. Love Sue x
a recent visitor who we haven't seen for ages said ... "you look so well" ... said I've put on weight .... she said "yes I know but I thought you'd look like a hamster with a big puffy face and be very huge whereas you're only slightly fatter than usual - you'd hardly notice!" .....
... not really sure how to take that and what message (if any) is in there ...was dumbstruck so said "thanks!" love FB xx
By the way Sue - it must be a total nightmare for you and Simon. I have friends who have lost children and it's very very hard and you are doing very well in the circumstances. I do think of you a lot. Keep going and don't expect too much of yourselves too soon. Love FB xx
Dear Sue, I'm quite new to the forum so didn't follow the posts about your daughter. I know my grandparents lost first their son in an accident, and then my mum, their daughter to BC in her 30's. I remember their pain as a child myself and I think they would have agreed with that quotation. My thoughts are very much with you.