Ostrich so sorry to hear of your dilemma. Weigh up the pros and cons and just do the right thing for you. You deserve that. This bloody disease is more than enough to handle without having other problems weighing you down. Lots of love Ostrich good luck for your future. Angela xx
Irene - hope you are as well as you can be and feeling positive. I am thinking about you. Angela xx
Ostrich, what can I say? I absolutely know why you have forgiven him and still stay. My OH has never hit me, but I have hit him in my moments of hysteria (twice). Never more than a shove mind. My problems are usually mental, I would say at times this has been mental cruilty not too different from getting a smack in my mind, as it can eat away at you and this may have contributed to the stress/illness scenario.
My OH and I are going to give it another go. We had a heart to heart last week and though horrendous at the time, we both managed to get things off our chest. It seems I have become very hard since BC, and I have. We are both making an effort to communicate, though this has always been more a problem of his.
I did manage to tell him that on a bad day, the spectre of death hangs over me, and him being an arse on that day just adds fuel to the fire and I hate him at those times. The thing is, I have had loads of support to help me get over this and he has had none. That is his choice mind. And he wasn't easy to live with before BC either, but BC has made me so much less tolerant of his silly moods. I now intend to 'make' him tell me why he is a mood and not just ignore it (the easy option) then the problem escalates. He has agreed he will respond when I speak to him at all times (he ignores his mum as well as me) so it's a family trait, it staggers me how disrespectful this is but we had very different upbringing. I came from a very happy demonstrative home with talk and cuddles always, him and his siblings dragged themselves up. But she is still his mum and I am still his wife and we both deserve respect.
He definately has self esteem issues too (again childhood). He would definately benefit from some counselling but he is unlikely to have any.
I wish you the very best of luck. I am not going to say you are mad for staying, but I will say, please be very careful, will you promise me that? Have you two ever considered counselling?
What can I say? If someone had told me the things we would go through as a married couple or do to each other I would have run away screaming. Communication (or lack of it) or sometimes worse, misunderstanding of communication has always been our problem. When things have been bad and communication terrible for a long time (usually because one of us is bottling something up) I find that I can't hear anything he says without thinking he's having a go, uncaring etc and I think he feels the same too - always thinks the worst of me. He cant hear my words or feelings for his pre-conception of what I am thinking or saying and vice versa.
When all the s**t is taken away and its just me and him then we always get on great - I know some people who would dread being on a desert island with their OH for fear of nothing to say or do but thats not the case, its how we respond to stuff life throws at us, be it his job, my job, the kids (he is step dad to 2 of them but been there since they were 15 months and 5),that causes us the most grief. We always hurt each other.
Sometimes I think there is too much hurt with one thing piling on after the next for us to ever have enough time in between to forgive.
I still remain optimistic that we will be stronger because of this BC, strange when so many things have nearly pulled us apart, but the threat of the death of one of you brings things into perspective - I just hope it remains because once I have got through the treatment I want to LIVE not exist.
I will be careful, I promise, same to you Irene, take care of yourself. If you ever want to chat then I'd happily share emails or PMs or chats on here, xxxxx
I divorced 4 years ago after 21 years,but could have 10 years earlier,again believing things would change.I also made all the excuses possible in hope,but there came a day when enough was enough.I do think we as women make the old excuse that"pardon the pun" i will keep him if I have a baby.Can I dare say that this is the same parody.Truth will out, and we always return to our true selves.I would say no matter how it hurts move on!!
I wont know whats right in my marriage until the reckoning. My OH continues to be everything he perhaps was and i didn't notice or everything he could have been. Had I not married him then I probably wouldn't have stayed, despite us having a biological child together (which is important, though not a sole reason to stay). I married my OH before I became a christian and at a time when I really didn't consider what the vows I was making meant (I was 26) but the one thing that has kept me staying more than anything else is "I made promises" that I don't intend to break (though we both have broken a few of those vows) and until I can be really sure its over I stay. I know what you mean that one day enough is enough and given our rollercoaster relationship I am not ruling up waking up and knowing that today is the last day (I am that kind of person too for whom one day you just know) but I am here, he is here, our love is very strong right now and I have hope, longer term, more deep rooted hope, than before.
I may end up back here one day in the future or very soon bemoaning my marriage or having left (we have left each other once each in the 15 years) and have egg on my face but I am prepared to take that gamble.
Having said that, I cant see me ever getting married again, not committing so much of myself/my life/my soul to one person as I don't think I have the emotional stamina needed, but I am still fighting for this one.
We are all unique and the one thing I have learnt during my marriage is never to judge another relationship - you aren't in it.
Sorry if I sound a bit defensive, I know you are not attacking me or anyone else, your comments are valid and I believe right for you and some, just not for me right now.
I agree with you in that until you are totally sure you should stay,that is what I was saying,Your brackets alone say you have doubts.To me you are taking too much blame on your self. But I have been where you are and you wil make the right decision for you,no matter what others say xx
Sorry if I misunderstood you Mary, I have had doubts for the past 15 years!! though less in the last 2 months (wow! I hear you say!) and I know that if I wasn't in my relationship but was a friend of mine I would have slapped me around the head with a large wet kipper (probably with a hammer inside it) years ago, xxx
I know where you are,and you can't judge a relationship,as in the old saying,no one knows what goes on behind closed doors,I was that woman,gave great advice to others and when I divorced 4 years ago,2 years pre bc by the way, it could have made the national press as none of my family could have predicted it,but they have been fantastic since