Coping with it all

Although your partner may need you to be strong and supportive, there will probably be times when you feel under considerable pressure. If this pressure is not released, you may get to a point where you feel that you are unable to cope. Although you are not the person with breast cancer, you are likely to share many of your partner’s feelings. Just as they will need to find ways to deal with the situation, so will you.

Understanding your emotions

You may think that letting your feelings surface is a sign of weakness or being out of control. However, it actually takes courage to show your emotions and there are many positive ways to express them. Our ability to cry is there for a very good reason, though some people find this easier than others. If you feel awkward crying in front of other people, try finding a quiet place where you know you won’t be disturbed. But there is no reason to be ashamed of sharing some tears with your partner. Remember that crying is a natural way of releasing tension and it can go a long way to making you feel better afterwards.

If you do not find an outlet for your emotions early on, they can develop into pent-up frustration, irritability and anxiety, especially if you are taking on extra responsibilities revolving around your partner’s needs. Add to this dealing with your partner’s (and your own) potential mood swings and you may find yourself becoming angry. Anger is a part of human nature, but how you express it can often be negative rather than positive.

Although a certain amount of crying, anxiety or anger is healthy, if you start to feel persistently unhappy or have prolonged feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, you may be depressed. It can be hard to admit to feeling depressed, but talking to someone can help. This may be your partner, a friend or your GP. Depending on how depressed you are feeling your GP may have various suggestions to help you, including exercise, counselling or anti-depressants. Or you can call our helpline and discuss your thoughts with one of our trained Helpline staff.

Looking after yourself

In order to be there for your partner you need to look after yourself. It is important to eat healthily and get enough rest. If you usually do some form of exercise, don’t let this slip from your routine – find the time to do it. If you don’t exercise, now could be a good time to start; even a short walk each day can help.

While helping with your partner’s recovery is important, it is also essential that you take time for yourself. Whether this involves going for a drive, having a drink with a friend or spending an hour or so writing your thoughts in a diary, allow yourself this time without feeling guilty. However, remember there is a difference between getting away for a while and trying to escape the reality of a situation. Using ‘me time’ as an excuse to avoid being with your partner won’t help in the long run.

Strain on your relationship

Many couples find that although breast cancer puts their relationship under a considerable amount of pressure, they come out of it feeling closer than ever. However, the strain of having someone previously independent become emotionally or practically dependent can cause you to feel very burdened. There may be times when you consider escaping altogether and leaving the relationship. These feelings are most likely to surface if you and your partner were experiencing problems before the diagnosis of breast cancer.

If you feel that your relationship was in trouble before the diagnosis, it may help to talk through your difficulties with your partner. Many people do not like the idea of counselling, but discussing your feelings with someone impartial can help you both to see things more clearly and work towards resolving your differences.

What if the cancer comes back?

Many people who have had breast cancer fear it coming back and you may worry about this. It is important to remember that if the cancer comes back in the breast area (local recurrence), it can be successfully treated. If breast cancer returns in another part of the body such as the bones or lung, this is called secondary breast cancer; you may also hear it called metastatic breast cancer. This can be treated, although it is not possible to cure the disease. There is more detailed information about secondary breast cancer and its treatments in our secondary breast cancer section.

Treatment can last for months or several years, and when this is over there will still be check-ups for a while and mammograms to make sure things are OK. When these appointments are due, you may find that memories of what you have been through come flooding back, along with some fears about the possibility of going through it all again. These periods can be very unsettling for you both. Although it is natural to worry, it is important not to let your thoughts be dominated with ‘what if?’ questions and remember that your partner may well be one of the many people who go on to live their lives free of breast cancer.

Life after breast cancer

As treatment varies from person to person, the time it takes to recover varies also. While chemotherapy may last a few months, hormone therapy can continue for several years, so it is important to remember that your partner may be affected for some time.

When your partner does complete their treatment, you may have mixed emotions. It is likely that this will be a strange time for your partner too, and some of the feelings you have may be very similar. The physical and emotional effects of breast cancer may also continue to have an impact on you both after treatment ends.

Part of you will probably be keen to get your life back on track, while part of you may feel like things will never quite be the same as they were before. There may be a huge sense of relief that the treatment is over. However, you may also feel that with no more hospital appointments or extra responsibilities to focus on there is a void to fill. As a result you may be uncertain about how you can support your partner.

This kind of life-changing experience can sometimes help you understand more about your partner and yourself. Having shared and overcome such a challenge could bring you closer together and help make your relationship stronger.