Facing treatment

While you are still coming to terms with the emotional impact of your partner’s diagnosis, you will also quickly be faced with practical decisions about treatment that your partner may want you to be involved in. Trying to get to grips with complex information about surgery and drug therapy can be confusing and add to the already overwhelming feelings you may be experiencing.

You may find that learning about breast cancer and the treatments involved helps you to prepare. Having a good knowledge about what is happening can make you feel more confident about talking to your partner and the medical team in charge of their care. Remember that consultants, nurses and other health professionals are there to help, so if something is unclear don’t be afraid to ask.

It can be a good idea to discuss with your partner early on how much you would like to be involved. Some partners say that they feel useless during treatment. Finding a practical role, such as taking notes during appointments or making lists of questions to ask your partner’s consultant, can be a good way of helping you feel that you are providing support.

Attending treatment appointments

When a plan of treatment is made, you will need to decide whether or not you attend your partner’s appointments. Your partner may want you to be there every step of the way or may prefer to go to some or all of the appointments alone.

If you are working, taking time off may not always be easy. Try to find out as much as you can. For example, how long your partner will be in hospital and how long any further treatment sessions and courses last. Use this information to explain to your employer what is involved and try to come to a suitable arrangement. Some employers may expect you to use paid or unpaid holiday, while others can be more flexible.

Side effects to be aware of

Your partner may undergo several kinds of treatment including surgery, radiotherapy, chemotherapy and hormone therapy. These can have side effects and although it is your partner who will experience these directly, you may also be affected on some level. Being aware of the possible side effects can help you cope if they occur. For more detailed information see our section on treatments and side effects.

Changes to your partner’s breasts

If your partner needs to have surgery, they may be offered a mastectomy, where the whole breast is removed, or breast conserving surgery, where part of the breast is removed. Surgery will change the physical appearance of your partner’s breast(s). This is something that concerns many people with breast cancer and it is normal for you to find yourself worrying about it too. You may fear how you will react to the look of the breast area after the operation, especially in the early days and weeks when it is likely to be bruised and swollen and scarring is more prominent.

Some couples find it helps to prepare by looking at photographs of people who have had similar surgery. Your breast care nurse or consultant may be able to provide these, or you may be able to find images on the internet. Others feel that looking at the scar together after the operation makes it easier to accept the new appearance of the breast area.

Hair loss

Chemotherapy can cause hair thinning and loss, which can be very traumatic. For some people scalp cooling, which involves wearing a ‘cold cap’ during chemotherapy treatment, may help to minimise hair loss. However, if your partner does lose their hair, you may find this very strange to adjust to. Although it can be shocking seeing your partner with no hair, remember it will grow back when the chemotherapy has finished. During this period, some people wear a headscarf, hat or wig, and your partner may like you to help them choose a selection. Although you may find this awkward, being involved to some degree can help you adjust together to the impact of hair loss.

Tiredness

A diagnosis of breast cancer and subsequent treatment can cause tiredness. Extreme tiredness and exhaustion is also known as fatigue. Your partner will probably be incredibly tired at times, finding some previously simple things become major tasks. Finding a balance between taking over completely and letting your partner keep enough independence may cause tension.

Your partner’s fatigue may fluctuate; some days they may need to rest for long periods and other days they may be able to carry on as before. Rather than assuming you always need to do everything, it may be useful to ask what you can help with. This can stop your partner feeling helpless or you feeling overstretched.

Menopausal symptoms

For some types of breast cancer your partner may be treated with hormone therapy drugs, which are usually taken over a long period of time (usually several years). While taking these, your partner may experience menopausal symptoms including weight gain, hot flushes, vaginal dryness, mood swings and loss of sex drive. Chemotherapy can also bring on these symptoms.

Infertility

The main aim of treatment is to treat the breast cancer while causing the fewest possible side effects. However, some of the treatments your partner may be offered can cause infertility. This may be temporary or permanent depending upon their age and the treatment they are receiving.

Some women may be overwhelmed by their diagnosis or not want children and so may not raise the issue of fertility. Others can be extremely concerned about future prospects of pregnancy. If you have not yet started or completed your family, preserving fertility may be a priority. If you were planning to have a family before your partner was diagnosed with breast cancer, the realisation that you may not be able to do so can be a huge shock. Some people find this easier to accept than others. However, if you have always wanted children, part of you may blame your partner’s breast cancer for not being able to now. If you are finding this difficult to come to terms with, it might be an idea to discuss your feelings with your partner as they too may be struggling with the impact of infertility.

Effects on your physical relationship

The side effects of treatment and the physical changes your partner experiences as a result of having breast cancer can change your and their attitudes towards sex. For instance, your partner may be worried initially about how changes to their breasts will affect the way you feel about them sexually. If sex was not an important part of your relationship before your partner’s diagnosis then you may not feel particularly concerned. However, if you and your partner previously shared an active sex life, you will probably notice some changes. For further information have a look at our section on sex and intimacy.