Intimate relationships

If you are in a relationship you may find that it changes. These changes can be positive or negative, and some things will be easier to deal with than others. It may be difficult to talk about these changes with your partner and it may take some time to resolve them.

The quality of a relationship before breast cancer, both generally and sexually, is likely to have a bearing on how couples cope with the experience of diagnosis and treatment. A diagnosis of breast cancer may not always cause problems but it can often stir up existing ones.

People who had a good relationship before their diagnosis often find the experience brings them and their partner closer. This is not always the case though and even strong relationships can be tested by a diagnosis of breast cancer.

Dealing with something like cancer can change a relationship, particularly if it’s a new one. If you’re in the early stages of a relationship you may find that you’re discussing important issues much sooner than you would have liked.

If you’re not in a relationship you may find the thought of forming a new one daunting. You may no longer have the same confidence in yourself and how you appear to others. Beginning an intimate sexual relationship may also bring on feelings of anxiety – for example, about telling someone you’ve had treatment for breast cancer.

Whatever your situation – whether you are currently single, in a relationship or embarking on a new one – beginning an intimate relationship again may make you very anxious and uncertain.

If you were in a relationship before your diagnosis you may be worried about your partner comparing things to how they were before. If you’re in a new relationship you may be concerned about how your new partner will react to your body. It may take time for you to feel physically well enough or able to cope emotionally with resuming any form of sexual activity.

It’s important to remember that each person’s intimate and sexual relationships are unique. Getting back into sex is likely to be a gradual process that you should take at your own pace.

Partners

If you weren’t in a relationship when you were diagnosed, or your relationship ended after your diagnosis, meeting someone new may mean telling them about your breast cancer. Deciding when and how to do this can be difficult. You may feel there isn’t a right time to talk about this or be unable to find the words. But as you get to know someone and feel more comfortable with them, you may find it easier to talk about all aspects of your life, including your breast cancer.

When you feel the time is right to tell your new partner they may respond in a number of ways. For example, they may initially be shocked and take a little time to adjust to the news. They may have their own anxieties and fears around cancer and what it means to them. Or your new partner may be very accepting of your history and recognise that your experience of breast cancer is now part of who you are.

When you start a new relationship, you and your partner will decide on the right time to have sex for the first time. Having breast cancer may affect how you feel about this timing. Talking with your partner about your feelings can help with any anxiety you may be feeling.

Getting back to sex

Even though your sexual activity may have decreased or stopped completely during and after your treatment, you may want to try and maintain a level of closeness with your partner. You may not feel like having sex but you may be happy holding hands, hugging, kissing or finding your own ways of being intimate.

Taking turns giving each other a massage, or taking a bath or shower together, can be pleasing and bonding ways to spend time together. Sexual activity can also include touch and other signs of affection that don’t always lead to penetrative sex but are still pleasurable.

You can still be part of a sexual relationship without comparing things to how they were before. You and your partner will need to find ways of adapting to any changes. This can take time, patience and effort from both of you.

For some women the breasts are very sensitive to sexual stimulation. If having your breasts stimulated was an important part of your sex life, losing a breast or changes to a breast through surgery and radiotherapy can have a big impact on your sexual satisfaction. This sense of loss may be shared by your partner.

You may want to change your focus as a couple to other areas of the body and explore other erogenous areas to help you feel sexually satisfied. Some women find sex toys, such as vibrators and clitoral stimulators, helpful in finding out more about what gives pleasure.

If your chest is tender or you have a permanent access line for chemotherapy you may want to avoid positions where either you or your partner are lying directly on top of one another.

Masturbation

Masturbation and sensual touching, both with a partner and on your own, can help remove anxiety associated with sex and can be a good starting point for people resuming sexual activity. Although masturbation is sometimes treated as taboo, it’s entirely normal.

Masturbating on your own can be a good way of finding out what’s OK and what’s not. Exploring your body will help you discover where and how you like to be touched, how responsive your body is to sensations and how you can be sexually aroused. If you have a partner, you can share your discoveries with them to make sex as fulfilling as possible.

Content last reviewed May 2012; next planned review 2013