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Don\'t know what to do. Hi there everyone
I am feeling really down at the moment, just getting over a bad chest infection and other things happening in my life that I don\'t like.
I have just discovered that my husband has been smoking cigarettes behind my back for the last 2 years. This has happened before and he vowed to give it up.
For one thing we cannot afford it, and it has come to light that he has been pinching money out of my purse for his habit and drawing out of our bank account. He said he needed the money for meals at work but he has been buying cigarettes instead. I caught him red handed when I called to his work place to see him and a member of staff said he was on his break and he had probably gone for a smoke. You can imagine how I felt. I asked him why he had not told me and he said he felt ashamed. He has been smoking when taking the dog for a walk, on his way to and back from work and in his work breaks. I have smelled smoke on his clothes when he has come home but not said anything. He is always coughing on a morning which made me suspicious.
He has again vowed to give it up but I feel I cannot trust him to do this. I feel as though I don\'t really know him anymore. His father died of lung cancer through smoking, and that is one of the reasons I don\'t like him smoking. I feel let down by the deceit, as he has lied to me on numerous occasions in order to cover up his habit. We have been married 34 years by the way.
Any advice would be appreciated as I feel I have no-one to talk to about this.
Chris
Surprised Hi Chris
i must admit I find it hard to beleive that he didn\'t give up after his Father dying.
I can only presume that he smokes to releive stress? I do, much to my Wifes annoyance! It seems that when I want to give up something comes along to put the stress levels through the roof. ie 1st my Mother dying of cancer, and now my Wife with Breast Cancer.
If he is like me he gets ratty when he tries to give up and starts shouting at everything and everybody. When times are hard we don\'t want to upset our partners. He has done the wrong thing in TRYING to cover up still smoking, but you should discuss this with him calmly and find out the reasons why. There are times when i think of the £5 a packet and cringe, but, ah well. I do not smoke in the house as we have children and my Wife gave up 7 years ago. It is an addiction, and very hard to kick.
If he has not already tried the Doctor\'s, might be wortth a shot, they do a system were you go once a week and have your breath measured. They providea wide range of things to try, from patches to tablets and gum. These are prescription items and they of course charge at £6.65 per perscription, you get 2 weeks worth at a time and i think the course runs 10 weeks. So £33.25.
Try not to be to angry with him, as the first thing he will want is a cig.
Hope this helps a wee bit
regards
andy
Anti-Smoking Methods!!!! Hi Chris, I have just been reading your post and the reply from Andy.
First I would like to say, that the anti-smoking methods that Andy spoke about, are FREE if you are receiving any benefits, I don\'t mean to offend by saying that, it\'s just if you are receiving benefit you might not know about them being free. I would feel as you do, let down and disappointed. But take five minutes and think about it, what if it made your husband feel weak and embarrassed that he went back to smoking. There could be any amount of reasons as to why he has lapsed, it doesn\'t mean he doesn\'t love you any more. Don\'t give up on him, sit down and talk to him and if you think this may end up in an argument, go out for a meal and discuss it quietly and calmly over your meal. I wouldn\'t think that he would humiliate you or himself during dinner. You would be on neutral ground and should be winding down and in a stress-free environment. Give it a go, what have you got to lose?? Also, if he has developed a \'SMOKER\'S COUGH\' which it sounds like he has, again discuss this with him without appearing to be accusing him. Sometimes, I think men should be treated like \'Little boys\', and sometimes think they come from Mars, they are funny creatures. I cared for both my father and daughter with cancer, my father with Lung cancer and my daughter with Breast cancer. Also my Mother with Emphasema of the Lungs. My daughter was 33 when she passed away and never smoked in her life. Read my post, MY PRECIOUS DAUGHTER\'.
I hope this has helped in some small way and maybe even gave you reason for a little smile.
Thinking of you, Take Care
Judy XXXX
i think i know why! hi chris im really sorry your feeling down, i too am going through this terrible illness of bc and i am still smoking, i know i should give up bit at the minute i cant, since i was dx in june i find because of all the worry and stress i proberbly smoke more, i will stop one day but im not ready yet and i think thats why your husbands still smoking. i think its harder to stop if your under pressure from someone, the more your told not to the harder it is. your husband proberbly smokes to calm himself especially when hes worrying or has anxietys about things. it sounds to me he loves you dearly and cares so much for you that he has kept this secret from you as he knows how you feel. he is proberly still upset about losing his father and now has the worry that he might lose you.i think everyone blames smoking for cancer related diseses yet my aunty died a few years ago from lung cancer and she never smoked, my sister in laws mam is going through bc and she has never smoked or drank. i think its just a lottery of who gets what and when and if you try and avoid everything that might cause a serious illness for eg: smoking.drinking, creamcakes,chocs,fry ups etc then the next day you might get knocked down by a bus ,so whats the point,life is for living. if i was you i would let him carry on smoking if it helps him and he will decide when hes ready to give up, so long as hes not smoking in front of you or in your house, this way he dos\'nt have to lie to you anymore and maybe you can rebuild the trust again without any secrets. take carexxx suzee
Thank you all Firstly, may I thank everyone for their replies and support regarding the problems with my husband\'s smoking.
He is now trying very hard to give up smoking completely and I believe he has not had a smoke in 11 days. He says he has no craving for them and that he is trying to put it out of his mind. Last night I asked him how it was going and he said he hadn\'t smoked since I caught him. So I said to him that if it gets unbearable and hard going for him to go and buy a packet of cigars and smoke them instead (he used to smoke cigars a few years ago). BUT he must tell me if this is what he decides so that then everything is out in the open and no more secrecy.
I think it is the lying and the deceit that has hurt me most. I think he now realises that he did wrong in keeping it secret.
Littlebear
My heart goes out to you, I read your post on your daughter\'s fight against the disease. It is very tragic for this to happen to someone so young. You must be finding it very hard to come to terms with what has happened.
I was almost in tears when I read your post. Don\'t you think that this terrible disease always hits the good people and not the bad ones. There seems to be no justice in this world.
Thank you all again for your support and I will let you know how things go.
Chris xxx
reward is better than punishment people are more likely to stick with giving up smoking if they are constantly rewarded for being a nonsmoker rather than punished. Keep the money saved each week and buy something at the end of the week. Join a support group (that\'s how I gave up) and have a partner to help keep you to the straight and narrow.
He must already feel guilty as he has been smoking in secret so don\'t add to the shame. He probably started to try and relieve stress. Sadly all that smoking does is give you ten minutes away from your work but takes away years of your life in return. Try taking ten mins off any way and walking round the block or going and gossipping for ten mins. I think non smokers need more rewards
Mole
MOLE Mole
Thanks very much for your reply to this post. You are right about what you say. It is a good idea to reward rather than punish.
What I will do is buy my husband a bottle of Woods 100 Rum, he loves this but only has it at Christmas as it is very expensive, £17.00/£18.00. That cost will come out of the money he spent on cigarettes. This will probably last him a couple of weeks.
It will just show how much I care and that I am proud of him for not smoking. I must admit this saga has really brought us closer together, so maybe it is good coming out of bad me finding out.
I was telling a friend of mine about this site, saying that we can offer or get advice from people that have been through breast cancer themselves or with their families. She just said Oh I don\'t think that would help in any way, I said to her, you\'d be surprised I get a lot of support from this site.
Thanks again
Chris xxx
Dear ChristineAnne,
I have been following this thread with some interest, as I myself am in the same position as your husband. I gave up smoking nearly seven years ago, but openly admit here, and to my girl that I have had the odd fag here and there, but nothing like the 30 odd a day that I used to smoke.
When this scenario started with us, I had a ciggy to calm me down as I was getting stressed, and it was an easy way out. One here and there became one every lunchtime, which became two, then three, then one in the morning before work. You get the picture.
When my girl went into hospital for her mastectomy I was all over the place, when I got home I think I smoked my way through nearly a whole pack of cigarettes in a few hours as I was climbing the walls.
After this, whenever I got stressy about something, the easiest thing would be to go and have smoke. The problem was that I felt so guilty about smoking and what I felt was deceiving my girl when she needed me the most. Smoking in secret, carrying extra strong mints everywhere. So the vicious circle begins.
I reached a point when I realised that I was my own worst enemy. I felt guilty and was stressing myself about the smoking. I was smoking because I felt guilty and stressed. I decided that I needed to change my behaviour as I was being wholly unfair to my girl, not to mention exacerbating an already bad situation. She has been so strong throughout this and I felt as though I was the weak link in the chain, and anyway, why the heck should I be getting so stressed? It\'s not me who is really going through this, I\'m just an observer.
It probably seems so silly from the outside, but as a husband who cares only about my girl, I can be very good at beating myself up about things I see that I am doing wrong, rather than just changing my behaviour and moving on.
So anyway, I can appreciate where your husband is coming from, as I have done exactly the same thing. Once started, it is difficult to stop.
That said, I stopped myself from smoking at the start of August. Since then, I have had one cigarette. That was at a party, and my girl was there and knew that I had it as it is the perfect companion to a Jack Daniels!!!
All the best to all of you today, I hope your day is treating you as well as it possibly can!
Hubby (Sorry for going on for so long)
HUBBY Thank you for your reply. Yes it certainly seems as though you have been going through a similar thing to my husband. Though I think it is more understandable seeing as your partner has not long been diagnosed and is still undergoing treatment.
It is nearly 9 years since I was diagnosed, had a mastectomy and 6 months chemo. My husband smoked cigars then but not many to my knowledge which didn\'t bother me.
About 2 and a half years ago my husband supposedly gave up the cigars for a while and I thought good for you. Then some months later I was emptying his trouser pockets so I could put them in the wash and a lighter fell out of one of the pockets. He denied he had been smoking again, so I said if that is the case how come you need a lighter. His answer was he had found it outside in the park. When I tackled him again he came clean and vowed not to smoke again. The thing is he tried to lie his way out of it but I told him I am not that stupid. So since then I have never seen him smoke until now, when I caught him puffing away on a cigarette at his work place. We had a right barney about it and I walked off in a huff. Then I looked back at him as I was walking away and he was still puffing away. He told me later that he had 4 cigarettes left and that he had thrown them away that day. I don\'t know whether I believe that or not.
He says he smoked because of stress at work, he works in a coffee shop in M & S, which you wouldn\'t think that type of job could involve a lot of stress. He too was trying to cover his tracks, extra strong mints, breath freshener spray etc. He is still coughing even though he says he has not smoked for over 2 weeks now. Even though he says he has given up I can\'t help thinking that at the next sign of any stress he will start smoking again without my knowing. Then what do I do if I catch him again?
I too am sorry to go on for so long.
Best of luck with your partner\'s treatment, stay positive, there is light at the end of the tunnel!
Chris x
stress the worst stress I ever had was in a very boring job where all I did all day was to check bits of paper. I ended up going off sick for about three weeks. Working in an M & S coffee shop can be stressful because the organisation of them isn\'t very good. At least that\'s what I remember from my local in Ilford which didn\'t seem to be at all well run.
And also I imagine the pay is not that great. Maybe he needs a new job.
Mole
MOLE Thanks for your reply. My husband hasn\'t worked at M & S for long, not even a year yet. Before that he was a Supervisor at Morrisons in the produce dept. This is when I caught him smoking before, and he said it was due to stress in his job that\'s why he changed jobs.
Previous to Morrisons, he worked at a factory making golf clubs and was there for 25 years. There was no stress at all in that job, it was a cushy number then the factory closed and he was made redundant. So it is since then he has had all the stress.
It is a wonder I havn\'t started smoking again what with this terrible illness we have had to put up with and all the side effects afterwards. I too have had stress in my job, bullying at work. I got pushed out of my job when I went back to work after my treatment. Some people treat you like a lepper because you have had cancer.
I bought my husband a bottle of Woods 100 rum yesterday and presented it to him. He seemed surprised and delighted at the same time and asked why I had suddenly bought it. I told him I have spent the money saved on him not smoking and that he is better off drinking that (allbeit not all at once!) than smoking. Time will tell.
Thanks again for your interest and advice, it is well appreciated.
Chris x