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Falling apart....
Hi everyone,
My mum has now got secondary breast cancer for the 9th year i think it is - it's in her breast, bones, liver, lungs - the list goes on. She has now been told it's flared up again (3 weeks ago) had one chemo session, hair fell out yesterday and pretty much there is no more that can be done. She was lucky enough to be blessed with a benifactor (family member) who paid for her treatment privately but due to the costs now being even more ridiculous there is pretty much no more that can be done.
I'm 26 and still living at home with mum (just me and her) and am finding it awful. She is losing weight like god knows what and her appetite is practically zero. I am trying to be strong for her but am struggling....fine face to face with her but then crumble when I go to bed or am on my own. We talk about it and what's happening with palliative care etc - they have just started coming into play for as and when the time comes that she gets a lot worse and they have said that she could stay at home until the end which is great. I just need to find the strength from somewhere to keep it all together - during the day I have this shell of i'm fine and i put on a front but then crumble on my own. I'm petrified of losing her and ~I cannot think of my life without her. All of the things that a girl thinks of when she is younger - having children and getting married - mum being around for that. Now my thoughts turn to it probably not happening. I just don't know what to do anymore and how to feel. I have superb friends around me who all say that they are here as and when I need them but i'm someone who doesn't talk to many people and likes to deal with it on my own. As and when I feel i need to talk to them or to use their tissues to cry about it all then i will. I'm just struggling big time. It's always been mum and me since I was 4 and so we have a very strong bond and relationship. I'm just scared and don't know what to do anymore.
Sorry to anyone who is reading this as most of it probably doesn't make sense. I just had to write it down and release.
Thanks for reading it and sorry if you are exhausted by it! I am! x
Hi sweetheart, I answered your other post. Big hugs. xxx
Have just read your post with tears in my eyes, I wish there was something I could say to make it better for you & your mum. Your mum is a lucky lady having a daughter like you. All I can say is talk to your mum, tell her you love her & spend as many special moments with her as you can. This thing that affects us all on here is so cruel, I send you both lots of hugs & prayers xx
Hi Tinkerbel
My mum looked after her mum, the way you are doing now. She also lost her before there had a chance for any weddings or babies. But despite never knowing her she has been very present our lives. I had her handkerchief with her name embroidered on in blue for my wedding as I wanted her there with me too. I knew so much about her I really felt like I had met her.
I am not surprised you are finding this so tough. Take all the support you can get and keep talking to each other. Your mum will be very worried about you and how you are coping. I wish you many good days with your mum.
Take care
Debx
I Wish there was something practical I could do to help you and your mum. The pallative care team will be able to help you with a range of issues. Your friends are there for you talk to them as much or as little as you want. There are no rights or wrongs with feelings they will be all over the place go with them. Spend as much time as you can with your mum just being there will give her strength and comfort. Talk together about how you both feel if you can. Also take some time for yourself. It will help you to cope. Post on here as often as you want there are always people to listen and be alongside you. BCC has a phone helpline that you may want to ring at some point.
My mum sadly lost her mum when I was two. I cant directly remember her but feel as if I knew her as my mum and others told me all about her. I still have a little bag she made for me in my bedside drawer.
Take care.
I can't pretend to know what you are going through but I am certain you are finding this very, very hard.
My own daughter who is currently living with me will be 26 this month. I know that I would want her to be there for me when I needed her but not every second of the day. I would also insist that she took sometime for herself. An evening out with friends or something similiar. It would make me feel worse if she was to put her life on hold. .
The palliative care team should be able to give you some good advice and I think someone suggested calling BCC and talking to them, which is also a very good idea.
Take good care.
Ladies, you really are all amazing. I just decided last night to spill all my thoughts onto here - i posted the same thing in the 'end of life' section and also in the 'friends and family' section. Sometimes it's just easier to write to people that don't know you if you know what I mean.
Mum decided to shave her hair tonight (even though I had already cut the stragly bits off) because it was irritable so is now totally smooth. She suits it actually in a weird way!
Her friend suggested that she came and saw us this week but understandably mum said not to as it would be too upsetting to say goodbye. It seems quite final in some ways but then not in others - we don't know how long she has but then again in some way it's quite nice because you are not counting the days etc, you are just enjoying the time together. Like we went to the beach yesterday - I was mums chauffer and we just had a lovely day together. It was really nice.
Anyway, I just thought i'd say thank you very much for listening so to speak and for reading all my blurb. SEnding you all lots of wishes back - stay strong and we will fight this b*****d of a disease in one way or another. x Annabel x
Just to let you all know that Mum died peacefully at home in her sleep with me next to her on Friday 15th July 2011. She has fought with cancer for the past 9 years on and off and couldn't do it anymore. I know that she will now be free from pain and at peace. She will always be looking down on me and will always be with me no matter what I do or where i go. She was the best mum anyone could ever have and her memory and she will always live on within me...as people say I am my mothers daughter. I will make her proud and do what she wanted me to do for the rest of my life. xxx
I am so sorry and I am also sure that your Mum is already proud of you. Please accept a huge hug from me and I hope my daughter is as loving and caring as you when she is older. Xx
I am so sorry to hear about your mum, you have my prayers with you at this sad time. Your mum will be very proud that she had should a loving & thoughful daugher, who loved her very much. I lost my mum 7 years ago now, & I know she is with me always, you are as you said always your mothers daughter. Please take care of yourself,love Lesley xx
I,m sorry to hear about your mum, I'm sure your mum was already proud of her beautiful and thoughtful daughter and that she will be looking over you.
Take care
Tx
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I too lost my mum in March after nursing her at home for her last week. It doesn't get easier, it just get's different.
My thoughts are with you, take care... you have been amazing xxx
My thoughts are with you - she was blessed to have such a caring daughter.
xx
Tinkerbell, sounds like your mum had a beautiful death, with those she loved around her. My hope is that when my time comes I can go in peace and love, like your mum did. I hope you can find a small grain of consolation knowing that her end was filled with love.
CM
x
Hi tinkerbell,
I remember when you very first came onto the site looking for help and support. I thought at that time what a lovely daughter you were and the way you have dealt with your Mums illness has proved that view.
I am so sorry that your worst fears have come true and your dear mum has died, but she did have a peaceful death and you were with her which must I hope be of some comfort to you.
You are so right, your mum will ALWAYS be with you. I'm sure she was very proud of you and you will continue to be the person she would be proud of. It will be a very hard time for you but try to take comfort from the fact your mum is painfree and in peace, and take strength from that loving bond you had with each other.
You are in my thoughts,
Love and hugs to you, Julie xx
I'm sure your Mum and your family are very very proud of you.
You behaved so lovingly towards your Mum.
She will be with you forever and want you to achieve the best life possible....
Take the very best of care of yourself as you prepare for her funeral and then you will be able to grieve...
Such an important stage.
Don't rush it and really look after your physical and emotional health. I speak from experience when I got ill with pneumonia after my Mum's death, so do take plenty of time.
You deserve time to come to terms with such a loss.
I do hope you won't have to face pressure from people at work or family to rush this process....
With love from Wx
I'm sure your Mum and your family are very very proud of you.
You behaved so lovingly towards your Mum.
She will be with you forever and want you to achieve the best life possible....
Take the very best of care of yourself as you prepare for her funeral and then you will be able to grieve...
Such an important stage.
Don't rush it and really look after your physical and emotional health. I speak from experience when I got ill with pneumonia after my Mum's death, so do take plenty of time.
You deserve time to come to terms with such a loss.
I do hope you won't have to face pressure from people at work or family to rush this process....
With love from Wx
Thank you ladies. I have already found a strength within myself that I never knew I had - I think it's mum working within me. I did have pressure welsh girl from a family member trying to get it done for this week due to having a holiday booked but thankfully mum was watching over and decided when she wanted her funeral and that it wouldn't be this week! that sorted that one!!!
Julie D thank you for your comments - I remember talking to you a few months ago. Thank you for your comments.
Ladies I just wanted to say that whatever stage any of you are down the road don't give up - be positive and don't let it rub your life. My mum didn't and she was determined to live her life as she wanted. Live it to the full and enjoy it. Love to you all - you are all amazing xx
Great to read your post.
So glad you can plan the funeral when you wish to....
Thank you too for your positive words. It's not always easy to feel positive within your own head so to read encouraging words helps tremendously, especially when the words come form someone who understands this journey.
Bless you,
Wx
Hi,
Remember me? Sorry I haven't been in touch for some time, sometimes I find things difficult to get my head around so I only visit every so often. I wished I had visited sooner now. I am completely shocked about your sad news Tinkerbel_2008. My thoughts are with you I am obviously the same age as you and we spoke about similar situations on here and can't even begin to imagine what you must be feeling right now a mixture of things I should imagine, but all the ladies that have wrote to you so far are true in what they say, your mum would be very proud of you and whatever you decide to do in life or how you react to things and deal with situations your mum will always be with you, and she will be very proud. You must do what you feel is needed if you want to talk then talk and if you don't then don't all your friends and family should understand that. I will say a little prayer for both you and your mum and you must remember to look after yourself the last thing your mum would want is you making yourself poorly over emotionals and physical strength organising everything.
Make sure you keep in touch and as always be strong like your Mum was and if ever you need to talk, please email me sometimes its better to release your feelings on email. I'm always here.
With Love Jenna x x
Hi Jen, yes I do remember you. Thank you for your post. That's lovely.
Unfortunately mum battled on strong but unfortunately things didn't work. I know that mum is now free from pain and is watching over me now and will always be with me. I am just really strugging at the moment - i am going to see her tomorrow in teh chapel of rest and i am absolutely petrified. i'm not going on my own thankfully but i am still scared as anything.
I hope your mum is ok? xx Annabelxx
Hi Annabel,
So sorry to hear about your Mum. I know that she will live on - in you. You both sound like lovely, caring people.
All the best, Sarah x
Hello Annabel
Just a note to say how sorry I am to hear about your Mum.
I'm thinking about you. Love Anthi x
Hi Annabel,
I haven't been on the site for a couple of weeks and have just been reading about your Mum.
You really are a lovely caring daughter and you and your Mum obviously had a very close relationship. I'm sure your Mum will be watching over you for some time to come.
Don't be afraid about going to see your Mum. My mother died a few months ago and when I went to see her she looked so peaceful, just as if she was asleep.
The months ahead will be difficult for you at times. Look after yourself and make sure you have the lovely life your Mum wanted you to have.
Lots of loving thoughts
Tina
x
Annabel, don't be scared to see your mum, but do bring lots of tissues. This is such a hard time for you, I hope you find the chance to be kind to yourself.
Annabel,
So sorry to hear about the loss of your mum. This is a very difficult time for you, but you will have good memories of her to sustain you through it.
I want to add a word of caution about you seeing her tomorrow. My dad died of bowel cancer when I was 28. He lost a lot of weight during his final three months. After he died our neighbour encouraged us to see him in the chapel of rest - she had seen her own mother after her death from cancer, and she had found it a very peaceful experience, her mother looked better than she had at home, so she had a good final image of her. When we went to see my dad, he looked like a skeleton with skin on, it was not what we had gone there to see. This was 20 years ago, and I can still see that image in my head. When my mum died four years ago I didn't go to see her.
I'm not saying don't go - just be aware that the experience may be good, or it may be unpleasant.
You will never forget your mum, she will always be in your thoughts.
Hi Tinkerbell,
I have just read your post, and I wanted to say how sorry I am at the loss of your mum- I too am the sole carer for my mum who has battled cancer for 8 years, and I know how hard it is. I am now 31 and I did move out when I was 26, but the guilt never leaves me and I go and see my mum a few nights a week and every weekend. It has only been me and her since I was 2 years old
I do hope your ok, and if you ever need to talk, then please do contact me.
Nicola x
Oh Tinkerbell,
I've just seen your post, and am so sorry you have lost your Mum. My heart goes out to you - take care of yourself, and remember we are all here for you, and are thinking about you!
With lots of love,
Shelley xx
So sorry to hear about the loss of your mum. From your comments you sound amazing. You have been a rock and an emotional crutch for your mum just as I am for my beautiful mother while she battles hard against this cruel disease. I am full of admiration for both you and your mum, your journey has touched not only my heart but many posters on here. My thoughts are with you.xx
So sorry to hear about your mum...i lost dad and mum within 10 months both to cancer and i now have it myself.
We nursed mum at home and the Mcmillan nurses and district nurses were amazing. Its been 3 years now and i miss them both, i wish everyday that i could talk to them.
I remember that 2 days before she died she was dosed up on the morphine and hadn,t really been awake for the past 3 days, we had a Marie Curie nurse come in to sit with her through the night so me and my sis could get some sleep, we told her that mum was nil by mouth and to just keep her comfortable.
We had a surprise to get a call ay 6am saying could we come as mum awake and asking for us, when we got there she was sat up in bed drinking tea and chatting away as if there was nothing wrong, it was so lovely...after half hour or so she said she was tired and laid down, she never woke up again, but died peacefully the next day with us by her side. We often smile when we think about it and wonder if it was her way of letting us know that she was ok.
Time is a great healer but my memories will last forever.
Take care and be strong.
Brenda
Thank you everyone for your messages. Love and hugs to you all whatever your situation. Be strong and keep fighting on xz annabel xx