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I am in a really surreal place.........
Hi all,
I'm not sure if this will help anyone or if I just need to write things down to people who can perhaps relate to me and the situation.
On the 13th of December I went to see my Oncologist, I know it was going to be a toughie........She said that we had come to the end of the line with treatments etc and my prognosis wasn't definate but she was talking perhaps weeks that I had to live. So Christmas with my family has been such a bonus.
I had a very high Calcium level which was effecting my kidneys, which was perhaps more of a threat than the liver cancer, although has seriously enlarged too. She knew I had some outstanding worries and sat down while i dictated a part of my will to her as protection if I couldn't get to the solicitors.
My Mcmillian nurse then came and said it would be touch and go over christmas and once in the hospice not really to expect to come out.
I was put on zoldrlicacid, for calcium and I am still on tamoxifen, steroids and capcitabine too. I went to see her yesterday, went over everything, liver function has gone up, calcium threat all but gone as normal levels.
The last few weeks i have been able to do normal things, the only pain I have is in the chest and lack of oxygen (blood transfusion monday)Even thinking of lowering morphinee so that I can drive again. I am very weak, fell twice this week but have been a lady that lunches most of time. A friend paid for a manicure today 
)
The oncologist said she would see me in 3 weeks again........
I am slightly, to say the least very confused, not that I want to die, I feel I have been given time, time to be normal with my kids, time to even think I will get to my daughters parents evening, all the mundane things that create a feeling of normality, which for the family is wonderful to see.
To feel lucky, when you are dying is an odd thing but I feel very calm and thankful to be given this extra time with friends and family. The visits have been fun instead of morbid (mainly what tires me) but its been non stop since I was given the news, some are on there 3rd visit lol.Hope to have a Me day on Friday am truly tired and have slept 2 normal nights )
There is 1 friend who will not visit, perhpas she is scared, but I understand that and \i'm sire will see her soon....it did cross my mind to get a white sheet and turn up lol.
You certainly find who your friends are..and I am blessed, very blessed to have them share their time with in their busy time.
I am very scared of the last bit! But I just wanted to say what an uplifting experience I was having.......
I'm not sure what I am trying to say...but that I am in a good place, long may it last, I feel almost a fraud.
Luv
Clare xxx
Clare, I do hope that good place you are in currently continues for a good while longer. Take care x
Thank you for sharing that, it puts my problems into perspective. You feel a fraud - no, you are an amazing lady
Anne
x
Sending you all the strength I can spare lovely lady - enjoy every minute of this precious time
kaj
xxxxxx
Hello Clare
I understand what you are saying. I have tried putting into words what I mean but it looks rubbish when I do.
Don't be scared of the "last bit" you will find such peace and joy - greater than you have ever experienced before. There will be no pain, no suffering for you.
Clare, your story touched me deeply. You seem very humbled by your experiences and I personally know many people who could do with an ethos and core values like your own.
I have no words of wisdom but I'm so glad you are enjoying your current experiences and clearly make the most of each day with your family and friends. You even show strength of character in accepting and forgiving your friend for not visiting you recently you have in my eyes accepted that just because "we" think someone should do something it doesn't mean they will and we move beyond any ill feeling toward them, your friend is probably scared as not everyone handles illness well whether its they who are sick or someone else.
I can understand you are scared of "the last bit", but with the love you are surrounded by you will be blessed by it, please be assured of that.
I stand before God and pray this day that your current happy place is extended much longer than even you hoped for.
Stay Blessed Clare
What an amazing post Clare, thank you for having the courage to share it. It really does lend perspective without inducing guilt in others. I too hope really hope your current state continues - even improves if possible - but utterly concur with SuperTrouper that when the time comes you will be aboslutely fine, surrounded by love and freed from all suffering. In my work I occasionally have the privilege to 'walk' with people to the 'door of eternity' and alhtough I've never been there at the moment they have stepped through it, each and every one of them has been ready when their moment came.
Don't want to say more, it sounds twee and false. But thank you.
Hugs and prayers
Thank you Clare for such an honest and thought provoking post.
I really hope you get much longer in your good place and that you get to meet up with your friend. It sounds as though you're able to give your family some more lovely memories so well done for squeezing the most out of every day. Enjoy your "me" day - we all need one of those every now and then - hmmm... maybe it's time I had one!
Sending love and prayers to you, your family and friends.
Jane xxx
god bless you and your family x
Clare
Thanks for posting. So thought provoking and as a stage IV with liver mets, I know it's where I will find myself at some point too. I guess it makes the point that no-one can tell us when our time is up and that's why it is so important to enjoy every minute of our lives with those who mean the most to us.
Normality is good. If those friends who have been to see you are still coming for a 9th or 10th time then that's brilliant!
Are you getting help from hospice / pain team? They will help you so much when you really need it.
You are a very inspiring and courageous woman.
Laurie x
Hi Clare
Thank you again for sharing these precious moments with us. To some it will seem scary, to others, like me, very comforting.
Enjoy Friday - and many more 'Me' days to come
Nicky xxx
thank you for the lovely post. Iam just starting out on this journey and hope i can be as positive as you.
Hope you get loads more me days xx
Clare, that was really beautiful, and could almost be in the "inspiring stories" thread. I found myself smiling after reading your post, with a warm glow inside. Thank you for sharing, and I hope you can feel the love that is coming to you from your online friends. We may not have met, but so many people are with you.
Hugs
CM
x
your story gave me goose bumps what a wonderful person you are long may you enjoy life and im thinking of you.
I don't know what to say except that I feel so glad for you and those who love you.
Wonderful post Clare. Thank you for sharing .
Enjoy your Precious Happy place
Love & Hugs
Maj
I read your post with tears pouring down my cheeks....
I have so much less 'get up and go' than you and I have none of the reality you have to live.
Your post is a joy to read and so very poignant.
I hope your days are filled with a joy and contentment despite what you are achieving. Contact is good but so are the quieter times when you can just be with yourself.
Your surreal place sounds great. I'm sure many of us admire your inner beauty and acceptance and pray for that for each and every one of us.
You are a leading light to so many......
Thank you so much for your insight.
I am so pleased you have been able to write the post Clare and even more delighted that you seem to be enjoying all your time with family and friends and that the drugs seem to have helped. May you have a wonderful 'Me' day tomorrow and many, many more to come.
Liz x
Thanks so much for letting us share you. I wish you courage, strength and comfort.
Lynn
x
Hi Clare, what a lovely post, I hope you get lots more me time, enjoy every minute of it, you are an inspiration, such a lovely lady, sending you hugs xx
Hi Claire,
I too thank you for your beautiful post. As a Spiritualist, I do not believe in death. I believe our spirit leaves our earthly body and we return "home" where we can look down and still see all our loved ones here, but we also are reunited with loved ones who have gone before us. We are sometimes tethered by our earthly bodies, especially when they become sick or disabled, but when we pass over we are truly free spirits again. We are all going to pass one day, nothing is more certain, but we should not see this as a sad day, rather as the end of a job well done on the earth plane and a return to God.
I am praying that you enjoy each and every day of your life and that you and your loved ones enjoy each other to the full.
Mxxx
Hi Claire,
What a lovely post - thank you for sharing this with us.
Have a great day tomorrow you certainly deserve it.
Love
Chris xx
Hi Claire, will be thinking of you tomorrow, have a lovely me day.
Your courage and strength is inspirational.
God Bless xx
Your support and kind comments are wonderful to hear, though I'm no one special, just trying to make so sense to all this. I may be ranting about injustice tomorrow lol.
I have had a lovely day with my sister and her girls, nothing special, just chatting everyday things ( she lives quite away away, so I guess its unusal) Went for a walk and released 3 3ft helium balloons that a friend had bought earlier in the week, now that was impressive, they floated completely out of visability (hope they didn't tangle anywhere)
I'm not sure what I believe in, where does life end. Do i just float off like the balloons........I like to think I may. I write quite a lot now, lots of old rambles, most of it but it helps you to focus and think and one poem I wrote is what I would like.
Listen, can you hear me, I'm there you know....
I am but a single petal waiting in the wind
Catch me in a glimpse of your eye as I swirl about you
Busy taking in the beauty that is there
Swooping swiftly down to you
I am the light on the horizon as you look out to sea,
That little tiny glimmer that radiates out to thee
Twinkling there for just you and me
Like my eyes do when they look and see......you
I am that morning glow coming from low mists on the hills,
Creating a spark of warmth inside to start a new day
Like the porridge, steaming hot in the bowl
Filling you with strength and nourishment that I would love to give
I am like the diamond that glints in the soft white snow
Fresh, pure and with a twinkle, I’m ready to go
Laughter, echoing in the wonderlands of silence created
Listen, can you hear me, I'm there you know....
I am the soft autumn light on the ripened grain in the fields
Shimmering and sparkling, just waiting for the right moment to yield
Ready to burst forth, plump and tender to the touch,
Like a squishy big hug, always there for you all, those I love so much
I am there as the sun goes down, to put a smile on your face
To spread warmth and comfort in the times ahead
Be happy for me that we had these times to treasure and when you see these things remember me forever.
I will not be far away, don't search, I pray
I’ll be around you in your day to day,
I'm not these things of nature’s beauty
but I treasure each one so there's your duty
To look out for me in the things above
and I hope to bring a smile to those I dearly loved
Clare xx
Now that is an insight......
Wx
Beautiful poem, Clare, thank you.
I have to disagree with your comment "I'm no-one special". You ARE special. Every one of us is.
Love and hugs
CM
x
As Welshgirl and CM say, a beautiful, moving poem.
Of course you are someone special... the self-deprecation is part of that.
And of course you might be ranting today, that's the mystery of life in its fullness!
When the time comes for you to slip through the door/cross the horizon/whatever it is, poems like this will keep you alive in the hearts of those who love you best.
Until then, enjoy your precious moments, ordinary or special as they may be.
Thank you
Hello Clare, I enjoyed reading your poem.
Since Christmas, every time I have read one of your postings my favourite poem has popped up in my head. Dear Clare know you are beloved.
xx
Late Fragment, by Raymond Carver.
And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved on the earth.
Clare,
Such beautiful special words. All I can say is thank-you. Thankyou for sharing your journey, your thoughts,feelings,words and poems. I feel very honoured to be able to share in all that and hope that when I'm in your position I will be able to share with others too. Bless you, long may you continue to be able to post on the forums. I hope we can give you something back, we are here for you.
Love Julie xx
Clare, that is just beautiful, thank you for sharing xxxx
Clare Thanks for sharing that poem.It seem at our darkess moments we can write the most up lifting words.And your poem will live on in us all god bless you xx