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My best Friend Hi
I am new to the site so i don\'t really know the way it works, but really i just needed someone to talk to.
My best friend was diagnosed with breast cancer in Sep 05, since then she has had a breast removed, chemotherpy and radiotherepy, then she got a tumur in the skin where the breat was removed and started Chemotherpy again. now she has had to stop the chemo as they have discovered cancer spots in her brain and is having radiotherepy. We live 100 miles apart and i can\'t always be there as i have a husband and a 3 year old to look after.
She doesn\'t always tell me when things are wrong or when she is sick, i try to get there as often as i can, but she is getting forgetful due to the brain spots i think, she is a very private person, and i feel like she doesn\'t tell me the truth or ask me to be there becuase i just go to pieces as i am terrifed of losing her, she acts like she is very strong but i know she must get upaet but doesn\'t want me to see her and i guess she doesn\'t want to see me upset either.
I just don\'t really know how to handle the whole situation, can anyone give me some advice.
Many thanks
Not an easy one to answer. I\'m trying to see it from both perspectives. My guess is your friend is the sort who usually tackles everything on her own and hates to ask for help - that would be me. Maybe you feel she is so competent she cannot possibly need you? BUT many people who have had to deal with a lot of stuff on their own often wish that people would just do things - not ask what we want but just take some of the responsibility for decision making away. I\'ve cried in front of poeple I never thought I would cry in front of and taken help from allsorts of unexpected osurces and it\'s awful but not awful too. So just do what you think is right and give what you feel you would want to take if you were in the same situation - tell her how much you care and if you feel you should or can phone her or visit her or write to her then just do it - don\'t make it her responsibility to contact you. Be a big uncomplainaing uncritical ear if you can. We are all too scared of \'interfering\' in each others lives - if she shouts at you or gets cross then don\'t take it personally. It\'s a tough thing to deal with is this cancer business and we don\'t always behave well - I\'ve ranted like a spoilt five year old and horrified my boyfirend but if I didn\'t let it out then it woudl jsut gt worse. You obviously care a great deal or you wouldn\'t have contacted this site so all you have to do is tell her and act on it as best you can. This is an opportunity for you both?
Good luck
Thank you so much, for replying. You are right in what you say about her wanting to ask for help etc.... she does sometimes and she already know that i love her with all my heart, i tell her all the time and i call her every day, i buy her nice little presents to cheer her up and i send her flowers everytime she goes to hospital.
I don\'t expect her to phone me, believe me i would do anything for her, she knows that too, she is a very spiritual person and she knows that we communicate on another level, we don\'t just have to speak to each other to know that i am there for her.
I don\'t like to get upset in front of her as i don\'t want to pass on any negitive energy to her, but i break down all the time, i burst into tears in work. i just want to hold her and tell her that i am here for her and that i wish i could take away all the pain she is going through.
I wish she lived closer to me, then i could be with her everyday and loook after her and take her places so she is not in the hospital.
All i want is for my friend to get better, i love her so much and i am so frightened.
Sorry for going on, just need to get it all out.
Hello Joanne, like your friend I too have breast cancer secondaries although mine are in my bones. The treatment your friend is having for brain mets is incredibly gruelling and tiring. I would be guided by her responses.
Once we are diagnosed with secondaries we cannot be cured of our cancer but we can often live with it for a very long time.
It might help you to read some of our messages in the Secondaries forum? It\'s a very supportive place. There are also some posts there from a lady called Kitkat who has written about her experience of whole brain radiation.
Very best wishes to you and your friend, Belinda..xx
Sorry to hear about your friend Dear Joanne75
It is very hard to watch someone you love go through this. The only thing you can do is let her know that you are there for her 24/7. My sister has brain & lung mets. She is currently having chemo (taxotare) and had WBR. The treatment is very greulling and it left her completely shattered. She really struggled and went through a dark period where she didn\'t think she could face another session but ,thankfully her treatment is working and she only has one chemo left to face. It has been a tough couple of months for us all but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Her last test results show that her brain tumours have shrunk and that her lung mets are under control. My sister didn\'t want to join any of these forums so I did on her behalf and got as much info as I could about treatment and procedures etc . There are people that you can chat to who are going through the same as her. My sister always said that getting brain mets was her biggest fear as she always thought it was final but as you will read on this site.. it isn\'t. You need to let you friend see that there is still hope out there.
Can you arrange for her to spend some time with you? She may try and push you away, especially in the beginning, but don\'t allow her to. Chat to her like normal. I still told my sister what was happening in my life. When I would pop in to see her (we live a few miles away from each other) after work, I would still moan about my day at work etc. I tried to keep things normal. Yes, your friend is ill, but that doesn\'t mean that you have to treat her any differently to what you have done over the years. Be strong for her and let her rant and rave as much as she wants.
You are a really good friend and I am sure your friend know that.
Take Care
Avon67
just be there for her Hi Joanne
I too have brain mets and can vouch for what the other posts have said about the treatment being gruelling, but you get through it and come out the other side. The biggest thing my friends have done for me is be there. I don\'t always feel like talking on the phone but my friends know to leave a message and I will call them when I\'m ready. could be the same day, might be a week later but they don\'t hassle.
I can recommend a book I bought for my closest friends
What can I do to help? by Deborah Hutton.
Although she had lung cancer the principles of what friends can do is the same. It helped me too by stressing that I need to tell people what I expect from them too, hence telling them I will phone back, just maybe not today.
I think its harder for you because you are far away. How about writing? during my 1st dose of chemo a friend used to write amazingly funny letters about the books she had read and her daily life, these really kept me going. I never replied but have kept the letters still. we are now betterfriends than before!
Good luck
Love Kitkat
Don\'t know were to turn..... Thank you for all your wonderful replies and words of encouragement, you are all very special and wonderfully strong and brave women. but this weekend has been the worst of my life, my friend is very very ill, the hospital have said she is critical, it has all happend so quickly, she has her sisters at the hospital but they won\'t let me see her, they said she is too sick, and not to call for a few days, so i called her male friend she is very close to who has been looking after her also, he has been giving me updates on how she is, he knows how close we are and understands how i feel. I am desperate to see my best friend of over 10 years whom i love like a sister, i just don\'t know what to do next...... i want to be with her so much that i am hurting in side.
Joanne
I\'m scared........ I have just received the call that i have long been dreading, my friend is dying and she now only has two days to live, thankfully her sisters are allowing me to go and see her, i have just come home from work as i could not keep myself together, i have come online as i feel like i can talk to people even though i don\'t know anyone.
I feel desperate and lost, i have never been through anything like this in my life and i am losing my best friend, i truly feel like my heart is breaking and i am feeling pain that i have never felt before. My husband is wonderful and supportitve but he doesn\'t understand how i am feeling. I am so scared of what is going to happen, when he called he said she is not really aware of people being there, i have so many things i wan t to tell her, i want her to know i love her, she knows this anyway, but i want to tell her again and again.
Can someone please help me cope with the worst day of my whole life, i am going to see her tonight, but i am terrified of falling to pieces when i get there.
Joanne x
Be Brave Joanne
Be strong for yourself and you friend, tell her you love her and hold her.
Try to think that if she is in tremendous pain, she will soon be at peace and not suffering.
Think of the beutiful frienship that you have had and remember all the good times and smile.
My heart and thoughts are with you.
Andy
i am sat here crying for you and your friend.
you may \"fall apart\" but i am sure you will also be calm for her.
my thoughts are with you.
sharon. x
Thank you so much for replying, but i can\'t stop crying, i feel like my heart is breaking and a part opf me is dying too. I k now i have my own family to love and take care of, but i can\';t begin to imagine my life without her in it, she has always been the strong one and the one who protects me. Even through all this she has protected me by not telling me everything as she knows i worry so much.
I want her to not be suffering anymore pain, but i also want my best friend back.
we are so close, i feel her pain, I want to hold her so much and tell her i love her will all my heart and i always will, not a minute goes by when i dont think of her, and that will never change.
You are all so brave, why can\'t i be?
Love and warmth top you all. x
you are brave Joanne - you are lettign out your hurt, you\'ve worked to see your friend and do your best for her and now you have to grieve, you just have to, don\'t beat yourself up about any of it. A terrible thing is happening to you and it\'s absolutely right to say it is and cry and want to save her and all those things. I don\'t know what else to say because words can help but they cannot sew up the hole in your side but to grieve is to heal so just go with it and I hope you get the chance to hold your friend. We can never have too many people to love - never
I am very sorry Hi Joanne75
I have started this posting several times only to cancel it as I really don\'t know what I can say to make you feel better. I just really want to let you know that I am thinking about you, your friend and her family. Caro58 is right, crying and showing your pain doesn\'t mean that you aren\'t brave.
My thoughts are with you at this dreadful time
Regards
Avon67
Tell her what she means to you Dear Joanne,
I nearly replied to you last week when you first posted. I wanted to say then that your friend might be dying and that you should try to tell her how important she is to you, and how much she means to you.
I hope that you have been able to see her today and that you have been able to talk to her. I hope that your fear of crying, of not being strong has not got in the way of saying goodbye.
Whatever has happened today when your friend dies you can still talk to her..I don\'t mean that I believe in an after life but that I think you can write down or say out loud all the things you want to tell her. Doing this even if she is not there to hear you will help you.
When your friend dies try to get some support and help for yourself..counselling..talking to someone can help you love with yoru sadness and grief.
One of my best friends died of ovarian cancer in 1999. I still miss her and still talk to her in my head. When I too was diagnosed with cancer(breast) in 2003 it helped me to know how she had lived with her cancer.
In some ways coping with someone we love having cancer and dying of cancer is harder than having it ourselves. Take good care..
Jane
I miss her so much !!! Thank you for all your wonderful words, my beautiful, wonderful, brave, stong best friend Christina, age 37 who peacefully passed away today, at 3pm, i feel so privilaged that i could be there to hold her hand and kiss her good bye at the very end, it was very peaceful. I am so proud to have been her best friend and i always will be, in this life and the next.
i still don\'t know how i am going to come to terms with the loss of my dearest friend. As the pain i am feeling feels like it will never go away.
I wish you all the best of luck with your treatments, and the future. This forum is a wonderful place, and i have gained so much from your messages.
I wish i could thank you all individually as you have all given me your own stories and words of help and support.
Lots of love to you all, and i send my sincere love and best wishes.
Joanne. x
glad you could be there I\'m so sorry you have lost your friend but so glad you could be there - at some time you will derive comfort from knowing you manged to be there for her right to the end and I\'m glad it was peaceful. I can imagine right now it just feels horrendous though. Take care of yourself and your family and come back to this site any time you feel the need to talk about your friend and how you feel - I\'m sure there will always be someone here for you and you don\'t have to pretend anything for anyone here.
Caroline
Thank you, it means so mcuh Thank you Caroline, it is so nice to know that there are people out there who understand what you are going through and it helps so much to read the messages that people send, and it is so easy to say how i feel in the forum.
i know it will be difficult for a long time, so i will still need a lot of support i\'m sure, i am so glad i have such a wonderful husband who has helped me through this terrible time.
Take care,
Lots of Love
Jo x
For Joanne75 Condolences to you on the loss of your friend, our thoughts are with you.
Kind Regards
Breast Cancer Care
Sorry Joanne75 Dear Jo
Take comfort in the fact that you were with your friend. I am very glad that you got there in time to be with her. So many of us don\'t get to be with our love ones when they pass away. You are right, she will be your best friend, in this life and the next. You will always have that special bond and you will always feel her around you.
I am very sorry you have lost someone so special and my thoughts are with you and her family.
Sleep tight Christina
regards
Avon67
Sorry Joanne So sorry to hear that your friend has died. This is a vile disaese and every woman\'s death affects all of us.
I am glad though that you had the privilege of being with her at the end of her life.
best wishes
Jane
YOU WILL COPE Hi Joanne,
I\'m sorry to read that your friend lost her fight to live, but you know we do live on in the after-life, and she will have no more pain, that is how you must look at it. As you were really close, you will always know when she is around you, I always know when my daughter is around me, which is nearly always. I haven\'t got over her passing and that was just over 3yr ago. She had BC which travelled quite rapidly, to her back, lungs, bones and the bowels near the end. The only thing I can say to you is, that the hurt and pain of losing a loved one never goes away, but does in time get easier.
I believe you said your friend was a very spiritual person, well perhaps in a while it may be advantagous to visit a spiritualist church, you never know the Medium may come to you with a message and, believe me once you do get a message from your friend you will realise that there is life after death but not life as we know it. 36yr ago my daughter was Christened in a spiritualist church and she was given a spirit name, Silver Dawn, the meaning of it is Shining One, and she did shine in everything she did in life just as I know she is now, in another \'life\'.
Think about your friend as being \'whole\' now, no pain, no regrets and in the midst of sunshine and goodness. Whatever she did best while on the Earth Plain she\'ll be doing on a higher Plain eventually. As in life we have to adjust to situations and disappointments so must she where she is now, in God\'s Hands. Everything we suffer in life is a lesson, however, I\'m not sure what lesson is to be learnt from a loved one passing, as our grief won\'t let us but i\'m sure there\'s one somewhere. Maybe you might like to read my post about my daughter, if you do then the post is entitled, MY PRECIOUS DAUGHTER.
I wish you well in the future, and you will cope, your friend will make sure you do.
Take care, much love
Judy XXXX