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psycological effects of breast cancer.HELP My wife was diagnosed with breast cancer september last year and had a masectomy in october and finished chemo in may of this year.To everybody she has shown a coudn\'t care less attitude to everybody including me.SHE WON\'T ADMIT TO ANYBODY THAT SHE IS TERRIFIED I know that she is and in her head she has herself dead within 5years, All this stress and worry is now manifesting itself in her complete rejection of all responsibilities and her wish to leave her family( we have four children the youngest being 8)and return to her youth and party(if she was a teenager you\'d probably say she has got in with a bad crowd) for the last years of her life, To an extent i can understand this,but she seems willing to walk away from everything without a care for any of us. This is not my wife or the mother of our children of a year ago.
I have suggested professional help,counceling etc but to no avail. I know that this a result of the cancer and other pressures but if she cannot admit her fears to herself how can we help her! We all love her dearly and have some understanding of what she been/going through and don\'t want to see this cancer destroy all our lives. WHAT CAN WE DO to save her and us from destruction.
For tasmins1 It sounds like you are having a very diffiuclt time. If you would like to talk to somone confidentially breast cancer care offer a telephone help line which provides support. The number is 0808 800 6000.
Kind regards Bcc Host
For tasmins1 So sorry to hear how your wife is rejecting you and your children at this time. As you acknowledge, it is a reaction to her dealing, or not dealing with her feelings in response to the cancer. I guess that may make it hard to be truthful with her about how you feel about all this, not wishing to add to her disress. I would suggest that if you haven\'t already done so, you be brutally honest about how ithis is affecting you and the children, it may be the wake up call she needs.
If she does choose to leave, then I would try to keep the lines of commuication open, as she may want to \'run away\' at the moment, but once she has dealt with it all some more, may return to the wife and mother she was. Its so difficult to know what may happen, and you are stuck between supporting her and being understanding, and feeling hurt and protective for yourself and the children.
The cancer may be the reason why she is behaving in this way now, but it does not excuse the consequences of any uncaring actions she takes now. You have a right to say how you feel and how it is all affecting you and the children, and telling her what you believe she is thinking. Just because your wife does not want counselling, does not mean that you can\'t seek some out for yourself, you are dealing with something very very difficult at the moment and you take whatever support you can, whether it be practical or emotional.
I do so hope that things get better for you, you are doing your very best in an extremely difficult situation, wishing you the strength to continue to do so.
i agree with swizzle stick.
i can not comprehend what is going on in your wifes head at the moment, we all act differently to situations.
i take it you have support from the rest of the family, hers as well as yours.
be brutally frank with her.
i believe you and the children will not be destroyed as you seem to be someone who knows to ask for help and is trying to put strategies into place to survive.
you may just have to play a waiting game for the time being.
i wish i had the answers for you.
Hey there
Just the view from someone whos pushing people away too...
I walk around work and visit friends and family with a smile on my face and am up for a night out and gigs and festivals all the time.. but itside I am treading water emotionally, feeling like I am standing on the top of a building ready for a final gush of wind to knock me off! I have no stability in my life anymore since I have been diagnosed with breast cancer and esp having secondaries (cancer has spread) at 29. I have never admitted to anyone at all that I am scared to death about this whole thing but I will admit it to you now to see if it helps any.
I refuse to let the people close to me see or hear that I am scared of dying and that I feel I have abso no control and feel like I am constantly in free fall or in a hole of complete darkness no matter which way I turn. I get bitter that everyone else is healthy, yet I love everyone so much around me I would be in a worse state if this was happening to them! You get annoyed at the people that try and convince you that everything will be ok and that being negative is bad thing- we need that time to be realistic and negative for our own sanity. Alot of people with BC find their emotions stiffled so we do not put further burden (thats what it feels like) and we do not have to witness the people we love with all our hearts suffering because of our disease.
Whilst you and many of my family want your wife and me to talk openly about the way we feel- it is so hard to do so when you know you are breaking their hearts with the words you say. It has taken me a while to open up to strangers on this board or even coming onto these boards as I wanted to get treated and get as far away from BC and talking about it and dealing with it as possible. It changes your life and thats waht you hate the most- you hang onto the things that make you feel 200% healthy and \"normal\" like the clubbing and the whole thing can turn you into one selfish bugger because you feel you have been the carer to partners, family, friends and you now think sod it im having some me time I dont know how long ive got so im getting on with it. It can feel like you\'re being backed into a corner with no way out and your survival defence mechanism kicks in big time. You can feel very very alone even when the room is full of your friends and family- inside you are constantly thinking about what is happening to you and how this affects everything else. Breast cancer not only consums your body but your train of thought.
Yes it is really horrible the way your wife is reacting to you and your children at the moment but she is coming to terms with the fact that she may not see you children grow up or grow old with you and may feel that she, through the disease, has already lost everyone and that distancing herself now from the abso pain she is feeling whenever she looks at you and the children is the only way she can cope. She may feel admitting to you that she is scared and opening up and pretending everything isnt fine will knock down the strengh defences she is using to fight this bloody soul, body and mind consuming disease!
Most of the time I am in a world of my own- I do not mean to be like that its just easier- only when you are faced with a life threatening disease and you are forced to wake up and smell your mortality will you truly understand her actions- it is a disease that makes you feel like you are on death row, a ticking time bomb and the only word I can use for the way you feel inside is utter panic and confusion!
I am coming around slowly but surely, I think your wife may need time to do the same. I do really feel for you and your children and I hope that you can work things out with her. You used exactly the right words in self destruct- the feeling of losing control can lead to just that- I have been very very close to the edge many many times- only time has helped.
Do speak to your wife about the way you are feeling but please do not go in there all guns blazing- if she feels like me cornered by the whole thing it may make it worse. Be firm and direct..she may lash out and say horrible things again I have done this its all part of my defence so you may need to get support for yourself with the whole thing
Anyway I really really do hope you get somewhere. I can see how my actions have affected my family so am coming aorund but i needed to in my own time.
All the best to your whole family.
lol lynnc xx
Lynnc Lynn
I think the way you have described how your feeling is so accurate of how having this disease effects us. When i read your post - it was as if i had written it.
Take care
Jakki
x
gosh lynn,
your words are so true, you\'ve totally summed up how i feel whereas i feel unable to put it into words myself.
i have always been there for my family, i put everyone first and run round like a headless chicken.
they now think that i\'m being distant, but i\'m not. i\'m just having ME time. that\'s the stuff that i\'ve never let myself have before all this came about. but i can\'t get through this if i\'m no selfish and have time for me. i can\'t really look after myself never mind my family, and i\'m sure that i\'m not the only person that feels like this...
Once i feel happy inside, then i\'ll put my face on and appear infront of friends, family and the world. but it takes a while to feel ready to do this.
my face is so false that people around me think that everything is ok, and of course i haven\'t told anyone the truth. the only people that know are my husband and people that understand (hence, not the family and \'pre c friends\').
tasmins1, please be patient, but in the meantime provide plenty of hugs and cuddles.. we\'re quite easily pleased!
take care
al
For Lynn and tasmins1 Lynn,
What you have written here is among the most moving accounts of the reality of living with breast cancer that I\'ve read. I think you have amazing insight and eloquence.
tasmins1..I hope that Lynn\'s account will help you make sense of your wife\'s behaviour at this hard hard time. Go gently with her.
I am almost twice Lynn\'s age and probably much older than your wife tasmins too. My diagnosis was the most painful thing that has happened in my life..and facing the stark reality of mortality more painful than anything I have experienced. It still is, 3 years after diagnosis, as I realise how incredibly lucky so far I have been.
Jane
Lynn It must have taken a lot of courage to write at length about your feelings and I think you have come up with a very eloquent and moving description of the effect a diagnosis of cancer can have.
After my diagnosis I became afraid to plan for more than a week at a time, and initially I refused to become involved with the preparations for my son\'s wedding because I didn\'t think I\'d be there. It was only when I realised how much that was hurting him that I joined in.
tamsins1 - I can understand how much your wife\'s behaviour must be upsetting you and your children, but please go carefully. Her reckless abandon is almost certainly a front to hide the total terror she must be feeling at having to confront her own mortality. I am now 4 years on from diagnosis, with no evidence of disease at the moment, but it was the most terrifying thing I have ever had to face, and the fear of recurrence will never go away.
I would follow the moderator\'s advice and phone the helpline for professional advice on how you can deal with the situation.
Take care.
MESSAGE FOR LYNNC Thank you for your reply to tamsin 1 your words were an insperation and as i am unable to put in to words the way i\'m feelin for fear of upsetting and bringing down everyone around me i hope you don\'t mind but i\'ve printed it of and given it to my daughter and husband to read hoping that they can understand how I feel some days. Its easy for them to see the physical side when your throwing up and your hairs fallen out but not so easy to see the mental torture your going through. I try daily to be strong but its not always easy I try to stay positive but some days the negatives win.
I push everyone away from me too telling them \"i\'m fine\" but i\'m not really. Don\'t think i ever will be again.
Thanks again for your post and i wish you all the best
Take Care
Carolexxx
For Lynnc Thank you so much for having the courage to share your thoughts and feelings, it has certainly helped me to understand what it is like for my partner and why she behaves in certain ways and says certain things. I know I will be better able to support her now that you have given me this insight.
With all good wishes to you,
Swizzelstick
Hope it helps Hey all
It was good to get it off my chest in some ways- I am a cheery little soul generally - but meeting me you would spot the distraction in my eyes- I had a day yesterday where i spoke to no one and blocked the world out- i tend to need one of those occassionally or I snap.
It is hard to talk about the way we feel..or indeed for our loved ones to understand why we act the way we do or hear what we really have to say...but for me and my family we are getting there and I hope I did help others on this thread.
my love to you all lynncxx
For Lynnc Have just read your post and it is so accurate on how i feel and the way i am dealing with this disease.
Thank you for putting into words what i find difficult to do.
Love
Deb xxx
TASMINS1 Dear Tasmins1.....I do hope the advise given to date has helped you especially the message from Lynn,I do hope that in time your wife will feel able to rejoin the fold,so to speak,Im sure she will given a little time and love from your good self.She will be hurting so much as indeed you will be,hoping for a turning point for you when everything will seem better,best wishes,Debra
LYNNC Dear Lynnc...admire your honesty and I think you must be a very special person,your message was straight from the heart,I think this quote reflects what I\'m trying to say,.... Let us be grateful to the people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom. --Marcel Proust.......take care and hope you are well...Debra x
For LynnC I had to re-read your post to make sure I had not written it. You have put my exact thoughts into writing.
I have a problem with my husband in that he also has cancer - how bizarre is that - I think we won the worst lottery going!!! My breast care nurse says that in her 10 years in her job she has not come across husband and wife with cancer at the same time.
I come and read these posts to have some quiet time to myself and have a good cry where no one can see me.
I was diagnosed on 31 August and had a lumpectomy on 6 September. Am currently waiting for an appointment to see the oncologist about starting chemo.
I note your post was some time ago but I just wanted you to know that I share your feelings. I am 47 (an old lady comared to you). I went on a diet because I didn\'t want to be fat and 50. Now I just want to be 50.
Hugs to you
Lesley
hi lesley By putting the quote you didnt want to be fat and 50 you just want to be 50 would put a lot in perspective for people because until something like cancer happens to you , you do take life for granted.I hope you and your husband are doing fine. take care debbi x x x