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Stupid comment on first day at work, how to deal?
Hello,
So today was my first day back at work after 2 1/2 years. The first year and a half was extended maternity leave after the birth of my second child. But the last 14 months I have been dealing with cancer diagnosed last September, and a recurrence diagnosed in June of this year.
My employer is a very large organisation which has dealt with my absence very well. But today we were sitting in a training session and I happened to sit next to the senior manager, ie the director. We were having a discussion and she turns to me and says:
"Well I bet this is a change after 2 years of Postman Pat".
I replied, "well I think you are underestimating me a bit, X" and then slowly starting boiling up. Towards the end of the session I turned to her and said "I assume you are joking about the Postman Pat" to which she said "Yes, of course, but surely there must have been a bit of Postman Pat".
I put the matter behind me for the rest of the day but I have come home tonight, mentioned this to my husband who is furious on my behalf, and I am slowly realising that her remark was really not on. I have a returner's meeting tomorrow morning with her.
Any thoughts on what to do about this, if anything?
Thanks for your advice,
Claire2010
Slap her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hi Claire
I am not sure what she may of meant by her comment, but whatever it may or may not mean I would get her to explain why she said it. (postman pat) unsure what it means myself.
Otherwise yes slap her.
Karen x
Oh gosh. I feel for you, stupid woman, but I don't know what to suggest other than giving her some of the BCC leaflets to read, especially the one for employers. My Manager didn't have a clue previously and to be honest - neither did I!
You DO need to mention it though, don't let it go.
Hiya,
I wrote a lengthy post but it appears to have disappeared!
Presumably she meant to imply that you had spent the last 2 1/2 years watching day-time/children's tv?
I'm furious too - no wonder your blood was boiling. And then to repeat the comment when you gave her the opportunity to redeem herself is just unbelievable.
I'd try and be upfront tomorrow and explain how you felt - and explain exactly what you went through (and are still going through).
Let us know how you get on.
Naz
You must speak to her straightaway about this, (be the leader in the conversation). It will clear the air and hopefully fully inform her about what you`ve been through, and educate her in the process. The only possible excuse I can think of is that she doesnt know the whole story, and even then, in this day and age, her remark was thoughtless and tactless.
Good luck for tomorrow,
Mimsy
I've had so many people say dumb things to me......
Must be nice to have all that time (about as nice as having cancer yes)
I'd do anything to not have to work (Oh, you'd have cancer would you)
Must be good not to have to go to work every day
I could go on....... I'm sure for the past 2 years you've done nothing but watch postman pat.....
and the best one?
"Try and enjoy the break"
Yes I agree, you need to tell her though I think a diplomatic way will get you netter results even if we all want to slap her for you!!
Maybe something along the lines that you know she didn't mean to upset you but she did and then explain what you've been through and how things still affect you now.
Good luck, let us know how it goes xx
Hi
Good example of bad manager, both patronising & insensitive. Need 2 knip in the bud now. Some people just have no idea! Good job I am not into voodoo dolls, lol.
Hope 2moz is a better day for you!
Alis
Xxx
I can understand why you're upset. The comment obviously refers to the maternity leave but is so insensitive following the BC. Presumably she was fully aware of that?
The options are either to forget it, she was completely insensitive, sometimes people say something to try to be funny and it doesn't work.
Or, you could go and say something to her along the lines of her comment yesterday did upset you. You could start by asking if she was aware that you'd had BC and did she realise the treatment you'd had: surgery, chemo, rads (or whatever your treatment was).
I'm quite an assertive person but frankly someone like that isn't worth bothering with to me. She's probably terrified of getting BC herself and that's why she felt the need to make a stupid, glib and hurtful comment.
Elinda x
Hi Claire Hoping you had a much better day today. xx
Sounds to me like she either totally forgot you had cancer as well as a baby, or maybe she never really knew that side of things, she last saw you heavily pregnant and now you aren't, and that was ages ago. You obviously look great
And if she thinks raising a toddler is just watching TV all day, it shows she doesn't know a lot about toddlers either! If I remember rightly, work is the easy bit, once you get there; you get a proper coffee break...
Diplomacy is good. As well as Children's TV, you have also learnt a huge amount about (the benefits system, healthcare in the UK, sorting alternative childcare for overnight hospital stays, looking after yourself and finding the things that really really matter to you...XYZ) and that will in some way help the department and augment your personal contribution, as well as proving your personal resilience, not to mention developing your CV. You have looked death in the face and blown it a big raspberry, what can an ignorant boss do to you? Hope tomorrow is better.
Thank you so much to all of you for your funny, kind and helpful responses, it really helped me to get my thoughts in order and shrug it off.
For what it's worth - I decided to leave it. I'd already done my best to pick her up on the remark at the time. I thought about whether there was anything to be gained about raising it again and decided it was not worth it.
a huge thank you again,
Claire2010
Just seen this now.
My take on it is that the woman may have been unable to think of something suitable to say about your illness and so covered it up by referring to something she felt more comfortable with, ie your having a child (hence the 'Postman Pat' reference).
I took early retirement after my BC treatment and people often joke with me now about being a lady of leisure, etc. I like that because I don't want to be reminded all the time of what I went through.
Call her bluff...verbally give her notice to quit.
Mention that you found her comment humiliating and
caused you great distress.
Remind her that humilation in front of colleagues
is bordering on bullying and discrimination.
No witnesses to this conversation - you don't have
to quit unless you want to.
If you are feeling really strong say that you don't
expect to hear any more derogatory comments, if you
do you will be forced to resign (with implications)
Ladies - don't put up with ******* bosses!
Jeniffer, I'm LOL at you becoming a "lady of leisure" like my granny always hoped to be
My cousin (she works freelance but there's not a lot coming through) says we are now "ladies who lunch" and she's quite right, breakfast is waaaay too early to be up on these cold wintery mornings if you don't need to!
Claire, glad you are generous enough to let it go - sense of perspective and all that. It's so easy to get bogged down by petty things and that just wastes your energy. Enjoy your little one.
Interesting thread. Claire your director's comments sound insensitve and discriminatory. No-one should have to put up with this sort of treatment. She is lucky you are taking it no further as I doubt she would have a leg to stand on if the provisions of the Equality Act were applied.
Write her name on a piece of a paper, put the paper into a tupperware or similar box, then put the box into the freezer. It may not do anything but you'll feel a helluva lot better! x
I think you are very good to put it to one side and take it no further. She was probably making reference to your Maternity leave forgetting or rather being unable to recognise how vulnerable you are because of the Breast Cancer. What she thought was a light hearted remark backfired on her.
Firstly I wanted to send you a :hug:. I think insensitivity/stupidity seems to be some peoples way of coping when they don't know what to say.
I was diagnosed in Oct 2010, had surgery, chemo, radiotherapy and because I work in a GP surgery was advised by my oncologist not to work during my treatment as the risk of infection was so high. Work were wonderful and I had about 6 months off in total, working when I could. I now have to go back in January for a breast reduction as I am somewhat lopsided (!). When I recently told a work colleague that I was going to be off for another 4 weeks, she replied "blimey, its just one big holiday for you isn't it?"!!
I am still working out how to tell her how much that hurt :/. My family are like your husband incensed and understandably so, but there is part of me that just thinks she isn't worth the effort of getting upset over?
Hope you are OK & recovering well?
reading about the things people say i could write a book someone said they thought i enjoyed all the attention. my advice to anyone who has gone through treatment is not to take it too personal some people are just plain self centered.two years on i still have bad days health wise and emotionaly but i have learned to put myself first and do what is best for me.sometimes you just have to be self centered too.dont feel guilty for working part time.or having a bit of a rant or the occasional cry accept it as how things are.life does get better when you take the preasure off yourself.
Mythos you could send her a postcard when you are off - either "from" a holiday destination that would make her green with envy (but posted wherever you are of course, unless you know someone who lives out there) or one of those seriously tasteless Blackpool Bitch cards with the disgustingly busty ladies, she might get the hint. Something from googl-imaging "Seaside humour" +/- "bikini" will be totally (in)appropriate.
Post edited as unsure wether I should have made the info public :/
Apologies.