A tribute to my beautiful wife

PUBLISHED ON: 21 December 2016

Stephanie, with Gary and their two sons

After Gary lost his wife to secondary breast cancer, he decided to set up a tribute fund as a way to remember and celebrate her life. 

Steph was diagnosed with breast cancer on Christmas Eve 2004

She was only 38 years old, and we had two young boys aged 9 and 11. I think she knew what the diagnosis would be before we went into the room to meet the consultant.

Steph was a nurse and was pretty pragmatic about her illness and asked very direct questions. On hearing her diagnosis she was quite forthright about the operation she wanted, discounting a lumpectomy and happy to follow the consultants advice to have a mastectomy.

Steph had her mastectomy on her birthday on 8 January so it was a very difficult time for us all – we still managed to make Christmas special though. It's surprising what you can manage to do.

She faced the operations and other treatments that followed with a selfless approach.

She was very careful to present a cheerful and optimistic front for most of the following 10 years.

Telling our boys was the hardest thing. They were very thoughtful when it came to their mum; they both wore headscarves like hers when we went on holiday after she had chemotherapy.

If they had any questions Steph always answered them as honestly as she could. We were honest with the boys from the very start and they accepted the situation because of this.

She was a beautiful person with a genuine care for others

Steph was incredibly brave and unbelievably thoughtful about my feelings and those of all the people around her. She attracted people with her sense of humour, open nature and incredible warmth.

She had just started her ideal job, which she loved, as a community sister helping parents look after their premature babies at home. It really hurt her to retire because of ill health. She managed to fill her time seeing friends and having as full a life as possible as the illness progressed to secondary (incurable) breast cancer.

She really did light up a room with her presence, not just because she was a beautiful woman but also because she had a genuine care for others. 

No matter how much we thought we had prepared for the moment, when we lost her it was devastating.

Why we set up a tribute fund with Breast Cancer Care

Steph was able to get a lot of comfort and practical information from Breast Cancer Care and she recognised the important work they do. We had given to our favourite charities since before Steph was diagnosed, and I felt that Steph would have appreciated that she was making a difference to people through her tribute fund.

Having the tribute fund quickly became a way of coping, a way of remembering and feeling that we were doing something for others.

It was a focus for me during the harder times, particularly the first two years after Steph passed away. Initially I worried that people would forget Steph. But the tribute fund helped alleviate that worry. It then became a celebration of Steph as I realised I didn’t have to worry that she would be forgotten – she was, after all, such a wonderful person.

Visit Steph’s Tribute Fund page 

Stephanie stands in the middle of two friends, dressed in pink at a fundraising event

Steph (centre) with friends.

What is a tribute fund?

It’s a page that you can set up online in memory of someone special. Friends and family can visit this page and donate to help remember and celebrate that person’s life, creating a lasting legacy in their name.

Each gift given in memory will help us to be there for people affected by breast cancer, now and in the future.

To find out more about setting up a Tribute Fund visit www.breastcancercare.org.uk/inmemory or contact Supporter Care on 0345 092 0817.

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