Talking with your children about breast cancer
Author: Breast Cancer Care
Date: 0101-01-01T00:00:00+00:00
Keywords: breast cancer; breast cancer care; breast cancer in families; breast cancer diagnosis; breast cancer treatment; breast cancer and children; telling your family and friends; telling family and friends

Introduction

If you’ve been diagnosed with breast cancer one of your first thoughts might be, ‘what should I/we tell the children?’

Evidence suggests that children are less frightened if they know what’s happening, even if they don’t fully understand. Although you may find it difficult, in most cases talking with your children about your breast cancer will help you all.

In this information we explain what children are likely to understand at different ages about a serious illness and how they may respond to the news that you have breast cancer. It doesn’t tell you exactly what to say to your child or children (we use ‘children’ throughout the text) because every family communicates differently. But it will give you some ideas about how to tell them and what other parents’ experiences have been.

This information covers talking with your children when you have been diagnosed with primary breast cancer. If you have secondary breast cancer (when cancer cells from the breast have spread to other parts of the body) some of the information will be useful, but there are other resources available to help with the different issues secondary breast cancer may raise. You can find out more about useful organisations in our Secondary breast cancer information pack.

Although we refer mostly to ‘mothers’ throughout the text, the information is also intended for fathers and may be helpful for any adult who needs to talk with children about breast cancer.

Telling your children

The thought of telling your children you have breast cancer will be very daunting for most parents. Lots of mothers feel guilty and anxious about what they will say and how their children will react. You may be afraid of upsetting them or getting upset in front of them. You may worry about being asked difficult questions, such as, ‘Are you going to die?’ You may also feel that by not telling your children, you are protecting them.

‘It was a very hard thing to do, as she thought that she had caused the problem. I was torn up inside trying to be strong, every way possible.’

Dawn (child aged 8 at diagnosis)

All these feelings might make it tempting to put off having the conversation, but children are very good at sensing when something is wrong, and can usually tell when you are upset or worried. Even if you try to hide it, it’s likely to show in your face and your voice, the way you talk to them and behave with them, and the way that others treat you. If they think you’re hiding something from them they may feel left out, or wonder if they’ve done something to upset you. They may make up their own story about what is happening, which could be far worse than the truth. Keeping secrets is also tiring for you, and can be difficult to maintain. There is also a risk that if you don’t tell them, they will find out another way.

It is often a relief when everything is out in the open.

‘They knew something was up and I didn’t want them to feel we were keeping anything a secret. My mum was also with us at the time.’

Sarah (children aged 8 and 10 at diagnosis)

Who might tell them?

For most children, information about your breast cancer is best coming from you and your partner if you have one. Children usually cope better with difficult news if it’s given by someone they love and trust. But if you’re finding it difficult, it might help to get someone else you and your children know well to be with you. Family and friends can be a vital source of support when talking with your children, particularly if you’re a single parent.

When to tell them

Most women talk to their partner, close friends or relatives about the possibility of breast cancer when they first notice something wrong or go to see their GP (local doctor) or breast specialist. But they tend to wait until later to tell their children. Some wait until tests have confirmed they have breast cancer or until they are soon to start treatment.

‘We talked to both children together very openly, straight after diagnosis, allowing them to ask as many questions as they needed.’

Sarah

There are no set rules and it will depend on their age and how you usually talk with them about illness and other issues in the family. But the longer you leave telling them, the more likely it is your children will realise that something is wrong, and they may start worrying and guessing what it might be.

Talking with your children at a time when you feel vulnerable and emotional can be very difficult. You may worry that you will get upset and perhaps cry, but this can allow them to feel okay about showing their own worries and emotions. However, if you can appear calm and confident when you tell them about your cancer, even if you don’t feel it inside, it may help your children feel less upset or panicky. Talk to them in a familiar setting where they feel comfortable, and where you are unlikely to be distracted or disturbed.

‘We were at home, wrapped up in bed watching TV, when I explained things. I wanted it to be homely and cosy. I also had literature to hand.’

Dawn

It’s a good idea to keep talking with your children regularly about what’s happening so they feel involved, informed and able to ask any questions. You may need to repeat explanations, especially to younger children.

Finding the right words

What you decide to tell your children will depend on a number of different things. You may be a family that talks openly about everything or you may come from a background or culture where intimate or serious issues are not talked about, or are kept between adults. You may talk more easily to one of your children than to another. Your children’s understanding and reaction will depend on their age and character.

Many people find it helpful to discuss what they plan to say with their partner or a friend before talking with their children. You might also find it useful to talk to your breast care nurse. Practising the kind of words you want to use beforehand also helps. However, even with careful thought and preparation, the conversation may not go as planned. There may be questions or a reaction that you didn’t expect. The best approach is to keep things simple and avoid complicated explanations.

It’s useful to agree the wording you will use when talking with your children about your cancer with any other adults who may talk with them, for example your partner. Sometimes you may disagree about what or how much to tell them, so it’s best to talk it through and come to a clear decision before talking to your children. This will ensure you give consistent information and that you don’t confuse them by saying different things.

Using the word ‘cancer’

It may be helpful to start by asking your children what they know or understand by the word ‘cancer’ so you can tailor your discussion. If you can, it’s best to use the word ‘cancer’ from the beginning, and to explain it using language that your children understand. This may help make the word less frightening for them.

‘They were at an age where they had heard the word [cancer], and I didn’t want any misconceptions.’

Sarah

For example, you could explain that the body is made up of tiny building blocks called cells. Sometimes these cells change into cancer cells – they don’t look like normal cells and they behave differently. Cancer cells can stop the body working properly. You could also explain that there are lots of different types of cancer, and breast cancer is one of these.

How you describe and talk about cancer will very much depend on your children’s ages, and what they know about cancer already.

‘We told them that I had found a lump and that it was a bad lump containing cancer. We also explained how important it was that we’d found it, and that they could do something about it quickly. We said it would mean I’d need some very strong medicine over the next few months to make sure all of the lump had gone, and that I might be a little bit poorly for a while, but I would get better again.’

Sarah

If you have more than one child

Even if they are different ages, it may be a good idea to tell them together so that they start with the same information. They will understand and remember different things, and it’s likely that siblings will talk to one another. It can be useful to encourage this so they are able to support one another.

Be honest

Try to make sure the information you give your children about your breast cancer and treatment is as clear and complete as possible, otherwise they may go looking for information themselves or imagine worst-case scenarios. You should let them know that they can always come back to you to ask more. You can also talk with them individually after you’ve given them the news. If your children ask questions you don’t know the answer to, just say so. It’s important not to make things up, as children will usually remember what you say even though you may not.

It’s best to talk about what’s going on in front of children and avoid whispered conversations. Although this may be difficult, being as open as possible about the situation will help you and your family.

How children may react

Children react differently depending on their age, character, stage of development and their relationship with you, so it can be hard to predict what will happen when you tell your children about your breast cancer. For example, some children may respond by asking what’s for tea or if they can go and watch TV. Children often express their emotions non-verbally, for example through play and drawings, so they may act things out with toys or friends, or through pictures and paintings.

‘It was hard telling the youngest because they were younger and [it was] harder for them to understand, but with the older ones they knew what the word ‘cancer’ could mean and had access to the internet as well to look [things] up.’

Melissa (children aged 8, 12, 15 and 21 at diagnosis)

Most of all, your children need to know that everyone’s doing all they can to make you better, that you still love and care for them, and that there are things they can do to help. Keeping to your usual boundaries and routines as much as possible can reassure them too.

Try to give them time and opportunities to talk about how they feel. It’s best not to push them if they would rather not talk, especially at first, and they might only think of questions later. Your children may prefer to talk things over with their friends rather than with you, especially if they are older. If this is the case, it can be helpful to talk with friends’ parents first, so that everyone is saying the same thing.

You might find that your children ask the same questions over and over again. This is normal and is probably their way of getting reassurance and checking in with you. Try to be patient with them and consistent with your responses, using terms they understand.

Example questions and responses

Below we’ve listed some of the common questions children ask when they learn that someone close to them has cancer. How you respond is a personal decision (and will depend on their age), but we’ve made some suggestions based on what’s helped others in the past.

‘Is it my fault?’

Children often think disruption in the family is a result of their behaviour, and might blame themselves. Try to reassure them that it’s nothing they’ve done and they aren’t being punished.

What you could say: ‘It’s not your fault, or anyone else’s. Nothing you have done or said has caused it.’

‘Can I catch it?’

Young children may think cancer is contagious and that it can be ‘caught’ by touching, hugging or sharing space.

What you could say: ‘Some illnesses like colds and chicken pox can pass from one person to another but cancer is different – you can’t catch it.’

‘Are you going to die?’

From the age of about seven most children begin to realise that death is the end of a person’s life and that it is irreversible. They start to understand that all people, including themselves, will eventually die.

What you could say: ‘My type of cancer usually gets better with treatment. Some people with cancer do die but we are not expecting that to happen to me. The doctors have told me they have very good treatments for me.’

‘She asked more questions than I expected. She asked if I’d survive and if I’d be coming home. She wanted to know what I’d look like with one boob! What would the reconstruction look like? Would I get a new nipple? Could I wear a bra?’

Dawn

Changes in behaviour

Children may respond to the news in a similar way to adults. For example:

- they may not feel like eating

- their sleep may be disturbed

- they may have trouble concentrating at school or with homework

- they may get angry or upset over what seem like relatively small problems

Younger children in particular may revert to behaviour that they haven’t shown for a long time, such as ‘baby talk’ or bed-wetting. Be sensitive to changes in their behaviour or mood – these are a normal response.

Changes in behaviour and poor school results may be a sign that your children are feeling worried or insecure. You may be tempted to let poor behaviour go because you feel guilty that your children are affected by your cancer. However, if you acknowledge these changes you can encourage your children to talk about what is happening. Children are often more anxious and upset if the rules suddenly change and they are treated differently. Clear limits and boundaries can help them to maintain a sense of normality and cope better if they are feeling anxious.

At times it may seem like your children aren’t taking your diagnosis very seriously because they have a more ‘matter-of-fact’ way of looking at life. Some parents may find this difficult to understand, but others might find it takes some pressure off them.

School-age children are more aware of how your illness affects them, and they may be very anxious or resentful. Routine is just as important for them as for younger children. They want to know that the detail of their daily lives will not change dramatically. Who will take them to school? Who will care for them after school? Who will cook their dinner? Who will help them with their homework? They need to know that once you’re feeling better you’ll be doing these things again.

Sometimes children can feel worried about changes in your appearance and what others may say or think. You can talk about this and ways to help manage their concerns. For example, if you have lost your hair because of chemotherapy treatment your children may prefer you to wear a wig when picking them up from school.

Children under six

Very young children are unlikely to have very much knowledge about cancer, so you can decide how much to tell them.

What you say to very young children about your breast cancer will depend on the words you normally use for breasts and feeling ill. It’s best not to frighten them or overload them with information. For example, you may decide to tell them you have a bad lump in your breast (or whatever word you use for it) and you’re going to hospital to have it removed.

As well as talking, you may want to show them what is happening using dolls or teddies, or by drawing pictures. Storybooks can also help to explain things and prompt questions (see the list of books for children at the end of this information). Read through a book you want to use before sharing it with your children, to make sure it fits in with your circumstances.

You might like to share our book Mummy’s Lump with your children. It’s a simple picture book aimed at children aged seven and under. It follows a family through the mum’s diagnosis and treatment for breast cancer.

Most young children don’t like changes to their routine or may worry about being separated from you. When you go into hospital they need to know that you will be back, and that they won’t be left alone or with someone they don’t know. They like to know details about their daily routine, such as who will be giving them their meals, taking them to nursery and putting them to bed.

While you are in hospital

If you stay in hospital after surgery it will be reassuring for your children to see where you are and know that you want to see them. It is a good idea to explain to them that you both need to be extra careful when cuddling. Tell them that you may not be able to pick them up for a while but this will only be temporary. If they are unable to visit you in hospital, you could suggest a treat, such as staying with a friend or favourite relative.

Support with young children

Having a good support network will take off some of the pressure if you have very young children. Particularly if you are able to get practical help. If you don’t have family and friends living close by who can help with childcare, a social worker at the hospital or the Family and Childcare Trust (see ‘General organisations’) can give you advice about childcare in your area.

Children aged 7–12

In this age group it helps to try to find out how much children already know about cancer so that you can correct any misunderstandings, for example that everyone who has cancer will die. Even if you don’t like using the word ‘cancer’ your children or their friends will probably know the word anyway from other people or from the television or the internet. They may understand more about it than you realise. They might know that there are different types of cancer and that people can recover from it.

A good place to start with children of this age is to tell them what’s happened and what you and the doctors are going to do about it. You can ask them what they want to know about your diagnosis or treatment and when they want to talk (this may be different from what you imagine).

Most children study the human body at primary school and will have some basic ideas about cells and the different parts of the body. You may want to look at some factual information with them or read a suitable story. Talk to them about your feelings and encourage them to talk about theirs too.

Explaining side effects

Most children know that medicine helps us to get better. However, some treatments (like chemotherapy) can make people feel unwell before they get better, and it’s worth explaining this to them.

‘Although we wanted them to know the positive side to having the treatment, explaining you have to take something that makes you so poorly in order to make you better was hard.’

Sarah

If you are having chemotherapy it’s worth preparing your children for side effects such as nausea, tiredness and that you might lose your hair. Let them know it doesn’t mean the illness is getting worse. You can also explain that these symptoms will eventually go away, and your hair will grow back.

Letting your children ‘help out’

Children like to help out and feel useful. They might like to be involved in everyday tasks such as:

- helping with your makeup
- helping you put on a wig or a scarf
- helping with household chores and shopping
- watering the garden
- making you drinks
- looking after any pets

- helping to look after younger siblings or grandparents

Teenagers

Most teenagers will have heard of cancer and may know – or think they know – something about it. They may have heard of experiences from friends. They may also know people who have died from cancer, so it’s useful to find out how much they know about breast cancer. For example, do they know that treatments can be very effective and having breast cancer doesn’t automatically mean you’re going to die?

‘My eldest son was 14 so understood very clearly the meaning of the diagnosis. His younger brother was also quite clear but was fearful as a school friend’s mother had died from breast cancer.’

Jackie (children aged 8, 11 and 14 at diagnosis)

Teenagers may want more detail about breast cancer and your treatment but they may also prefer to find out about it on their own. If so, guide them towards reliable sources of information such as Breast Cancer Care’s booklets or website. There are also other sources of support at the end of this information. Try to monitor where they look for information, as some sources are less trustworthy or inaccurate.

Older children may be anxious that they will get breast cancer too, particularly if they’ve heard that it can run in families. The vast majority of breast cancers happen by chance but if you are concerned that your children may be at increased risk of developing breast cancer in the future, speak to your breast care nurse or doctor. You might also find our booklet Family history, genes and breast cancer useful.

‘I believe she developed a concern about not only what was happening to me, but would this mean it would happen to her?’

Sarah

Emotional responses

Some teenagers may appear unconcerned about the whole thing and, like some adults, try to pretend it’s not happening. You might find this hurtful, but this may be their way of coping. Others may be emotional or withdrawn. It’s important not to take this personally and allow them to express themselves. Although they may not want to talk to anyone about your cancer at first, you may want to ask someone else they are close to – such as a grandparent, friend or family friend – to listen and answer questions if the need arises.

Boys going through puberty may find it particularly embarrassing to talk about breast cancer. They may be upset about what’s happening, but feel unable to talk to you about it. It may be easier for their father (or another male relative) to talk with them.

One thing that most teenagers have in common is that they are easily embarrassed – especially by their parents. Appearances are usually important to them and they may need reassurance that, fully dressed, you will look the same as before. If you’re going to have chemotherapy you may want to talk to them about the possibility of losing your hair.

It’s normal for teenagers to be struggling with feelings of wanting independence and to break away from their parents or family, and they may not know how to negotiate with a parent who might need to depend on them for a change. They may feel torn between wanting to be there for you and dealing with their own lives or problems, such as relationships, friends and exams.

It’s helpful to talk with your children’s teachers or form tutors so they are aware of the situation. If your children are preparing for exams, the school can apply to the exam board for special consideration. However, this will only happen if you request it.

Talking to your children’s school

School is an important part of your children’s life and the teachers and other children can help provide stability and support at a time of change at home. Interacting with your children’s school may feel daunting, but by working with the school you’ll enable staff to plan and provide the help and support you’d prefer.

When should I tell my children’s school?

It’s helpful for your children’s school to know about your diagnosis as soon as possible. This is so staff can fully support you and your children at this difficult time. You may prefer to let your partner, another family member or a friend speak to the school on your behalf.

Who should I tell?

You can tell the headteacher, your children’s form/class teacher or another teacher you feel able to talk to. Some schools have a member of staff who oversees pastoral care or a school nurse who you can approach. Face-to-face contact with a member of school staff may be best, but if that’s not possible you could make initial contact through a telephone call, letter or email.

Talk to your children beforehand to make sure they know who you’re telling and why. Their favourite trusted teacher might not be the one you immediately think of, so it’s a good idea to check with them first. Young children sometimes want their class to be informed, while older children often want as few people as possible to know.

What should I tell them?

As well as your diagnosis, you may want to tell the school about any treatment planned and any change in practical arrangements. Be clear about what your children know. It’s useful to tell the school the wording you use when talking with your children about your cancer, so they can follow this too.

Remember, you can share as much or as little as you choose. You don’t need to tell the school staff everything you know, unless you want to.

Getting more help

In some cases, children may have more serious or longer-term problems as a result of a parent’s illness. These can include becoming increasingly withdrawn, having difficulties eating and sleeping or fear of separation.

Your children’s behaviour and emotions may change during your treatment and afterwards. This can be worrying and exhausting, especially when you are trying to concentrate on your own health and wellbeing. If there are existing issues with your children’s behaviour or their emotional wellbeing, these may be more noticeable at a time of anxiety (like when you’re first diagnosed or during your treatment) and this may make their behaviour more difficult to deal with.

If your children seem low for long periods, or they are withdrawn or uninterested in what is going on around them, talk to your GP or treatment team. If necessary they can refer your children to a counsellor or to your local child and adolescent mental health service. Some people find group therapy with other young people can be helpful, or activity days such as those offered by Maggie’s Centres (see details at the end of this information).

Specialist child and adolescent mental health services (CAMHS) are NHS services that focus on the needs of children and young people. They are made up experts such as psychiatrists, psychologists and occupational therapists who work with children. Most local CAMHS have their own website, or you can ask your GP for more information. You can read about CAMHS on the YoungMinds website (see details at the end of this information) or by searching on nhs.uk

Children with learning disabilities

If your child has a learning disability you may want extra help and advice about how to talk to them about your cancer. If they attend a school for children with learning disabilities, ask their teachers for help.

For children with autism, The National Autistic Society has information about explaining illness to autistic children. Visit autism.org.uk or call their helpline on 0808 800 4104.

It can often help to talk to other people with breast cancer who have children with learning disabilities. There are some ongoing conversations about talking to children on our online discussion forum, forum.breastcancercare.org.uk, or you could start your own topic.

You can also ask your GP, breast care nurse or specialist team if they can help or point you to other sources of support.

Keep talking

Telling your children you have breast cancer, answering their questions and dealing with their initial responses may be just the beginning. There will be times during and after your treatment when more talking and explaining will be necessary. Throughout this time, keep the lines of communication open and keep checking in with them.

From time to time there will be new information to give your children, for example about your treatment or the outcome of a follow-up appointment. This means they may have further questions. Often the questions may take you by surprise, perhaps when you’re driving or watching TV rather than when you’re ready and prepared. Other children like to have a dedicated place where they can sit and talk to you about things that frighten or worry them. This might help them to go about their day knowing that they can come back to the same spot when they need to.

You may want to encourage older children to talk with your doctors and nurses, perhaps when you go for a hospital appointment. This can reassure them that a lot is being done for you and that hospitals can be friendly, supportive places.

Changes to how you look

Children can be accepting, frightened or very curious of physical changes. It can help to prepare them for changes that you are expecting.

‘[My son] didn’t ask much but was just more concerned about my change in appearance.’

Sarah

After surgery they may ask about your scar or whether you look different. You might want to explain to them what the surgeons have done, but whether or not you actually show them will depend on you and them and what is normal in your family. If you have a surgical drain (tubes that drain blood and fluid from the wound area into a small bottle or bag), they might be interested in knowing about this.

Younger children are often curious and may wish to see your scars, whereas older children/teenagers can be less comfortable in seeing scars and being overloaded with information. Talk to them and try and take their lead as to what they would find helpful. Your children may wonder what you’re using to replace your missing breast if you’ve had a mastectomy. If you are wearing a prosthesis they may want to see and feel it. If you’re planning reconstructive surgery, you may decide to wait until it’s completed before asking your children how they feel about seeing what you look like. Again, if you explain why you’d rather wait, your children will feel less excluded and anxious.

If you’re having chemotherapy and may lose your hair, explain this in advance. Many children are more accepting of physical changes than adults can be. They might want to help you select wigs, scarves or different headwear.

It might be helpful to warn your children that you might feel ill, grumpy or tired at times and you might need some extra help from them. Being able to help can make younger children feel important, so perhaps you can give them one or two small, regular jobs. Older children may be helpful and cooperative from time to time but don’t expect them to take on too much responsibility.

You may need some extra privacy for a while – you can explain that you’re not shutting them out, you just need a little time. Try not to worry if your children withdraw from you or start to rely on your partner or other family members while you are having treatment or recovering afterwards. This is common, and just the way that children adapt. Let other people help them with practical and emotional support as this will help you too when you need some space.

‘She found it hard hugging me or being close. She became very quiet and withdrawn at times.’

Dawn

After treatment

When your treatment is finished, it’s understandable that your children want things ‘back to normal’ as soon as possible. They may want reassurance that you’re better, but also that their own lives will return to normal. This may not always be straightforward for the whole family, particularly in the early weeks and months. Children may find this hard to grasp, especially if they feel they have been thoughtful and considerate during treatment. You may need to explain that getting better can take quite a long time – weeks or even months.

Children may also have lingering doubts about your recovery. When you have a follow-up appointment this might be a worry for them as well as you. Also, if someone they know is later diagnosed with cancer, or someone’s parent has died, it can bring some of the worries back. Continue to be as honest as you can, without making promises you may not be able to keep.

It’s probably best to say that although you can’t promise, you and your doctors don’t expect you to be ill again, but whatever happens your children will always be looked after and cared for.

Once again, talking with them about how you and they feel is probably the best way to deal with any concerns. If you have established an open and trusting relationship during your diagnosis and treatment, it should be easier to talk about your feelings and acknowledge any worries that arise.

Each stage of your treatment and recovery will bring different feelings, anxieties and highs and lows. But if you are able to talk honestly and openly with your child or children at each step, most families can find a great source of support from each other.

‘I was very happy for my children to talk to anyone they needed to if it gave them the support they needed but I also wanted them to be able to speak to me directly. It was really important that they could tell me how they felt without fear of upsetting me. It helped me to help them understand.’

Sarah

Further information and support

Publications

You can download or order printed copies of any of the Breast Cancer Care publications mentioned in this information at breastcancercare.org.uk/publications

Talking to children and teenagers when an adult has cancer

Macmillan Cancer Support
macmillan.org.uk

A booklet and CD outlining steps parents can take to help their children understand what is happening.

As big as it gets: supporting a child when a parent is seriously ill

Julie Stokes and Di Stubbs

Winston’s Wish, 2007

ISBN 978 0 9539123 9 1

This booklet aims to help parents and children cope with a serious illness in the family.

How to talk so teens will listen and listen so teens will talk

Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

Harper Collins e-books, 2010

ISBN 0060741252

An American guide to practical and effective communication with teenagers (not specific to cancer). Hard to get hold of first-hand in printed form, but available as an e-book and may also be available second-hand.

Books to read with children

Books can be a great way to help children process difficult information, and gives them something to refer back to later.

Mummy’s Lump

Breast Cancer Care

For young children, this picturebook is for any family who needs to talk about the difficult subject of cancer. It covers diagnosis, going to the hospital, treatment and hair loss.

Eek! my mummy has breast cancer

Emma Sutherland

ISBN 978 1 907463 78 5

Written by a 12-year-old girl about her feelings when her mother is diagnosed with breast cancer. For early teens and young people. There is also a website: eekmymummy.co.uk

The secret C – straight talking about cancer

Julie Stokes

ISBN 978 0955953 927

A book to help adults and children talk openly about the issues and feelings involved when someone has cancer.

For ages 7–10.

The huge bag of worries

Virginia Ironside

ISBN 978 0 340 90317 9

Storybook about a child who has lots of worries. Not specific to cancer.

Sammy’s mommy has cancer

Sherry Kohlenberg

ISBN 978 0945354 550

A sensitive, straightforward, illustrated American storybook for children aged 3–8.

My parent has cancer and it really sucks

Marc Silver and Maya Silver

ISBN 978 1402273 070
parenthascancer.com

An American story about a woman diagnosed with breast cancer, written from the perspectives of a young person and their father.

Online resources

Breast Cancer Care
breastcancercare.org.uk

Includes sections on telling family and friends, and talking with your children.

When your parent has cancer: a guide for teens

US Department for Health and Human Services
cancer.gov/cancertopics/coping/When-Your-Parent-Has-Cancer.pdf

An American resource is aimed at teenagers who have a parent with cancer.

Cancer in the school community

Cancer Council New South Wales
cancercouncil.com.au/cancer-information/schools-and-teachers/cancer-in-the-school-community

Cancer in the school community contains information that can help others respond effectively and sensitively to issues that arise when someone is affected by cancer. Although this is an Australian website, and was written for an audience of public and private school staff, the content may still be helpful.

Kids’ guide to cancer: a free app

Camp Quality
campquality.org.au/kidsguidetocancer

An Australian app supporting children who have a parent, sibling, friend or other loved with cancer.

Support from other people

You might find it helpful to talk to other parents or carers who have been through a similar experience, and share thoughts and ideas.

Breast Cancer Care Forum
forum.breastcancercare.org.uk

An online discussion forum for people affected by breast cancer to share their experiences and offer each other support. There are numerous ongoing discussions about talking to children about breast cancer.

Someone Like Me
breastcancercare.org.uk/someonelikeme

Breast Cancer Care’s Someone Like Me service can put you in touch with someone who has had a similar experience and may be able to share their experience of talking with their children about their diagnosis.

Younger Breast Cancer Network

A private Facebook group set up by younger women who’ve had breast cancer. Chat privately about issues such as talking to your children. If you have a Facebook profile, search for ‘Younger Breast Cancer Network’ and message the group to join.

Cancer organisations

Fruit Fly Collective – Cancer Cloud Toolkits

Website: fruitflycollective.com/cancer-cloud-kits

Toolkits designed to help parents talk with children of different ages about their cancer diagnosis. There is also a ‘teachers area’ that supports school staff to put in place support for children.

Maggie’s Centres – Kids’ Days and Teen Days

Tel: 0300 123 1801

Website: maggiescentres.org

Maggie’s runs quarterly Kids’ Days (ages 7–13) and Teen Days (ages 14–18) at some of their centres. The event days offer information about cancer and its treatments and a chance for children to talk together. It includes a visit to the radiology and chemotherapy departments in the hospital, where children can ask questions. Use the search tool on their website to find your local centre. Maggie’s also offers one-to-one and family support with a psychologist or Cancer Support Specialist.

Macmillan Cancer Support

General enquiries: 020 7840 7840

Helpline: 0808 808 0000

Website: macmillan.org.uk

Textphone: 0808 808 0121 or Text Relay

Provides practical, medical and financial support for people with cancer.

Learning disability organisations

Mencap

Helpline: 0808 808 1111

Website: mencap.org.uk

UK charity for people with a learning disability, their families and carers. Provides information and support, and a helpline (Monday–Friday).

The National Autistic Society (NAS)

Helpline: 0808 800 4104

Website: autism.org.uk

UK charity for autistic people (including those with Asperger syndrome) and their families. Provides information and support, and a helpline (Monday–Friday).

General organisations

Family and Childcare Trust

Tel: 020 7940 7510

Website: familyandchildcaretrust.org

Email: info@familyandchildcaretrust.org

The Family and Childcare Trust is a national childcare charity that has been working since November 1986 to promote high quality, affordable childcare for all. Offers information and services to help people make the right decision about childcare for their child.

Healthtalk.org

Website: healthtalk.org/cancer/breast_cancer

Provides free information about health issues, by sharing people’s real-life experiences. Has videos and audio files of people sharing their stories about cancer and other topics.

Home-Start

Website: home-start.org.uk

Charity that helps families with young children cope with challenges such as long-term illness in the family. Volunteers offer support in a family’s home for around two hours a week. Also provides group support, day trips and help accessing local services.

Hope Support Services

Website: hopesupportservices.org.uk

An organisation supporting young people aged 11–25 when a close family member is diagnosed with a life-threatening illness. Provides one-to-one and online support, weekly youth sessions and monthly activities.

Partnership for Children

Tel: 020 8974 6004

Website: partnershipforchildren.org.uk

Email: info@partnershipforchildren.org.uk

Partnership for Children is an independent charity which promotes the mental health and emotional wellbeing of children. It has resources for parents and teachers to help young children cope with difficult situations. Many of these resources are available free of charge on their website.

YoungMinds

Parent helpline (free): 0808 802 5544 (Monday to Friday, 9.30am–4pm)

Website: youngminds.org.uk

Charity committed to improving the wellbeing and mental health of children and young people. Offers a helpline for parents, as well as information about feelings, mental health symptoms and ways to cope.

Youth Access

Tel: 020 8772 99000

Website: youthaccess.org.uk

An advice and counselling network. Find free and confidential counselling, advice or information services via their postcode search.

Four ways to get support

We hope this information was helpful, but if you have questions, want to talk to someone or read more about breast cancer, here’s how you can.

Speak to our nurses or trained experts. Call our free Helpline on 0808 800 6000 (Monday to Friday 9am–4pm and Saturday 9am–1pm). The Helpline can also put you in touch with someone who knows what it’s like to have breast cancer.

Chat to other women who understand what you’re going through in our friendly community, for support day and night. Look around, share, ask a question or support others at forum.breastcancercare.org.uk

Find trusted information you might need to understand your situation and take control of your diagnosis or order information booklets at breastcancercare.org.uk

See what support we have in your local area. We’ll give you the chance to find out more about treatments and side effects as well as meet other people like you. Visit breastcancercare.org.uk/in-your-area

About this information

Talking with your children about breast cancer was written by Breast Cancer Care’s clinical specialists, and reviewed by healthcare professionals and people affected by breast cancer.

For a full list of the sources we used to research it:

Phone 0345 092 0808

Email publications@breastcancercare.org.uk

You can order or download more copies from breastcancercare.org.uk/publications

We welcome your feedback on this publication:

breastcancercare.org.uk/feedback

For a large print, Braille, DAISY format or audio CD version:

Phone 0345 092 0808

Email publications@breastcancercare.org.uk

© Breast Cancer Care, June 2018, BCC50

Edition 6, next planned review 2021

When you have breast cancer, everything changes. At Breast Cancer Care, we understand the emotions, challenges and decisions you face every day, and we know that everyone’s experience is different.

For breast cancer care, support and information, call us free on 0808 800 6000 or visit breastcancercare.org.uk

Central Office

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1–3 Brixton Road

London SW9 6DE

Phone: 0345 092 0800

Email: info@breastcancercare.org.uk

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Table of Contents

- Introduction

- Telling your children

- Who might tell them?

- When to tell them

- Finding the right words

- Using the word ‘cancer’
- If you have more than one child
- Be honest

- How children may react

- Example questions and responses

- ‘Is it my fault?’

- ‘Can I catch it?’

- ‘Are you going to die?’

- Changes in behaviour

- Children under six

- While you are in hospital

- Support with young children

- Children aged 7–12

- Explaining side effects

- Letting your children ‘help out’

- Teenagers

- Emotional responses

- Talking to your children’s school

- When should I tell my children’s school?

- Who should I tell?

- What should I tell them?

- Getting more help

- Children with learning disabilities

- Keep talking

- Changes to how you look

- After treatment

- Further information and support

- Publications

- Books to read with children

- Online resources
- Support from other people
- Cancer organisations
- Learning disability organisations
- General organisations

- Four ways to get support

- About this information